You Never Let Go

"Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, Your perfect love is casting out all fear. And even when I'm caught in the middle of the storms of this life, I won't turn back. I know You are near. And I will fear no evil for my God is with me. And if my God is with me, whom then shall I fear? Whom then shall I fear?" - Matt Redman

As I sit here at my computer on this New Year's Eve day, memories of 2012 are flooding through my mind. I don't recall everything that happened but I remember most of the good, the bad, and the ugly. There were moments that captured my heart, memories that will always make me smile, and reflections of complete terror. I've made new friends, started college all over again, and grown closer to God through all of it.

2012 started off just as any other year has for the most part. I really don't remember much of the winter accept our first snow arriving around the end of January. I had a little bit of temporary work throughout the spring and into the beginning of summer. In June, I visited my brother in California and we all drove to Phoenix in July to visit with our parents and to witness my brother graduating with a Bachelor's from University of Phoenix. There was a health scare with my mom but everything turned out great thanks to many prayers and the grace of God. 

During the summer, I'd received news that I had been awarded financial aid to attend John Tyler Community College. I don't remember ever wanting...really wanting to go to school but I was so excited to get started. I began in August and it's truly been amazing. I first thought I was too old to go back to school but with an incredible support system, I've conquered that fear. In fact, I received all A's last semester for the first time in my life. I hope to continue that trend into 2013 and beyond.

In September, the country remembered 9/11. October brought a mad-man that went into a movie theater in Colorado, killing 12 people and wounding 58. Later in October, Hurricane Sandy devastated parts of New Jersey and New York. In November, we voted in the Presidential election and were inundated with more commercials for the event than ever before. On December 12, 28 people died after a 20 year-old young man entered Sandy Hook Elementary School armed with a couple guns and a lot of rage. The one common factor all of these events have is that God was watching. With the exception of the election (but ya never know), God's heart was breaking along with ours. So let's praise God for being with us through these tragic times instead of blaming Him for them. We have nothing to fear in this life because God is with us. Even though we all go through hard times (some harder than others), who would we be if we didn't go through them? The hard stuff helps us learn lessons, makes us stronger, and many times it brings us closer to God.

Now for some happier moments...

I arrived home yesterday morning from spending Christmas with my family in Arizona. I couldn't have pictured a more amazing time surrounded by my loved ones. I was blown away at how each member of my family accepted Sara as part of our family. It was the first time we'd visited Phoenix together and stayed at my parent's home. We were both a little nervous as to how everything would go. However, once we saw my parents waiting on the curb of the airport to pick us up, all of my fears washed away. Both Mom and Dad gave each of us a big hug and welcomed us. It was a moment that I won't forget. I was witness to my parents love for God by the way they loved on us for the whole ten days we were together. 

While in Phoenix, Sara got to meet my brother, his wife, and my nephew for the first time. Nico (my nephew) fell in love with Sara. Every time she would greet him, he'd smile and giggle. At one point, he even let her hold him while his eyes got heavy after she'd walked with him around the house. Yep, he's starting to walk (with some assistance). It was one of the sweetest experiences of our trip. Our toughest task was saying goodbye. Sara left on Christmas night and Nico gave her "cabesita" (meaning 'little head'), this is when Nico puts his head against her's (his version of giving kisses), before he went to bed. We both teared up with Nico's adorable actions. As we went to my parent's car to put Sara's bag in the trunk, everyone gave Sara a hug goodbye and the tears almost started again. I think she had a great time.

The day after Christmas, it was my brother's turn to go back home. We had a wonderful lunch at NYPD Pizza (something I wish we had in VA) and Nico charmed the waitresses as usual. We got all their stuff packed in their car and a sleepy Nico gave us all "cabesitas" before they left. I swear, that kid has made me more emotional than I've ever been. I'm a very blessed auntie! The rest of the day was a little sad as we all wished for just one more day together. 

Thursday was off to a great start as I got to have a nice visit with a friend and a fabulous lunch at Comedor Gudalajara (probably never going to get in VA). Afterwards I stopped in to see my former boss in her new environment. We talked for quite a while and I'm overwhelmed with the blessings in each of our lives we were able to reflect on. She says she's inspired by me but I hope she knows that she's a part of who I am today. Thank you, Teresa, for making me say out loud "I'm worth it" all those times I thought you were a little nuts. I love you. 

Friday, my mom and I went to visit my aunt in Tempe. As I get older and since I've become an aunt myself, I'm learning to cherish every moment I have with her. I don't get to see her often and email just isn't the same. We all had a great time catching up and I thank God for the opportunity to do so. After getting back to my parent's house, it was off I went again. I was able to spend my last evening in Phoenix with some of my best guy friends (my boys). We played some darts (I won 3 games in a row. Sorry David.) and drank a few beers at an old hang-out. The laughter and time together was much needed. My boys rock!

I was supposed to leave Saturday morning but due to weather, my connecting flight had been canceled. So, I called the airline and was able to get an overnight flight with a connection that would have me home Sunday mid-morning. All I can say is that Newark's airport was a nightmare. And after my first flight from Phoenix, sitting in the middle, between a older lady with her elbow in my rib cage and a Hell's Angel with the need for both armrests and a shot of vodka, I wasn't in the mood to deal with a drafty terminal in below freezing temperatures. Unfortunately, there's more to this story that wasn't pleasant but at least I can laugh about it now...sort of. 

So as 2012 comes to an end, know that God is with you, He loves you, and that you are blessed. Don't let fear come between you and living your life. God keeps His promises and since He is with us, we have nothing to fear for we will see Him on our final day. Finally, tell those that are your friends and family how much you love them and then really love them. Let the light of Jesus shine from within and people will see Him in you. 

"Oh no, You never let go, through the calm and through the storm. Oh no, You never let go, in every high and every low. Oh no, You never let go. Lord, You never let go of me. And I can see a light that is coming for the heart that hold on, a glorious light beyond all compare. And there will be an end to these troubles but until that day comes, we'll live to know You here on earth." - Matt Redman

Blessings

"We pray for blessings, we pray for peace, comfort for family, protection while we sleep. We pray for healing, for prosperity. We pray for your mighty hand to ease our suffering. And all the while, You hear each spoken need, yet love us way too much to give us lesser things." - Laura Story

I haven't posted a blog in a couple weeks because I've been pretty busy with life. However, today I wanted to pause, to breathe, to take time to share, and to let everyone know how awesome God has been and continues to be.

This blog started out as a journal of sorts, a way to get my thoughts into writing. Then it morphed into an English assignment with more of a purpose behind it. After reading back through previous posts and comments, I find that I'm very blessed to have been given the ability to write and communicate clearly. I'm not a very talkative person so writing is my outlet and teaming up with music has made the blog somewhat of a hit. The blog as been a blessing to me and I hope a blessing to many of you readers. And to the readers, I want to say thank you for reading and thank you for your continuing support.

The past few weeks have brought many mixed emotions but I feel I've done a fairly good job at keeping my cool...for the most part. I give the credit to God. Along with the emotions running through me, I've also prayed...a lot! I don't know that I've ever prayed this much before. I've prayed for comfort of friends going through hard times, lonely times, sad times. I've prayed that God would help us find a place to live when our lease is up at the end of January. I prayed for safety while driving through a downpour while driving Sara home from work one night (my night vision is awful). Most of all, I've prayed that God would help me to give it all to Him, to put complete trust in Him, to let the small stuff go, and let the big stuff rest with Him. He's done what I've requested and I have found some peace.

Today, as Christmas draws closer and college finals even closer (they start tomorrow), I find myself stressed out. I've got a little too much on my plate but I know that God is with me and He won't let me down. Even though I know this fact, I almost burst into tears today. I don't know if it was the sermon at church, the news I got after church, or the hug from a dear friend that I missed seeing last week. Whatever it was it's still lingering. I suppose I'll just let it out tonight because maybe healing will come through tears.

I pray you all have a blessed week and if you need to cry, it's okay...you'll probably feel better afterwards.

"'Cause what if Your blessings come through rain drops? What if Your healing comes through tears? What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near? What if my greatest disappointments or the aching of this life, is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy? What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise?" - Laura Story

Mama

"Mama remember all my life you showed me love, you sacrificed. Think of those young and early days, how I've changed. And I know you believed. And I know you had dreams. And I'm sorry it took all this time to see that I am where I am because of your truth, and I miss you, yeah I miss you" - Il Divo

Last Thanksgiving I found out I was going to be an auntie and I cried tears of joy. I was finally able to experience what it was like to love completely a little stranger that I now proudly call my nephew. I can't speak of him without smiling. I can't look at a picture without unbelief that he is a part of our family. Even though he was adopted and none of my family got to experience his birth, it's not possible to love him any more than we do had he been our own flesh and blood. We had waited so long for his arrival but God's timing is perfect. He knew when we'd be ready and He knew which little guy would be a perfect fit for us.

Nicolas was born November 16, 2011 (6 weeks premature), my brother and his wife received the news that they'd be parents on November 24, 2011, and they brought Nico home on November 27, 2011. His adoption was final the end of August and we couldn't be happier. Auntie's little man turned 1 year old last week and was able to celebrate in Peru with my sister-in-law's family. The Arizona family gets to celebrate with him this Saturday. I wish I could be there to see how much he's grown and to play with him before I get to decrepit to get on the floor with him. I will have to wait until Christmas when Sara and I fly out to celebrate with the family. I can't wait!

This Thanksgiving I learned that my best friend's mother had a massive stroke and passed away Wednesday afternoon and I cried tears of sorrow. My heart hurts for him and his family. Jeff has gone through so many trials in his life and it seems much more in the past few years. His strength amazes me and I'm pretty sure he gets it from his mom.

Jeff's mom, Louise, was a beautiful soul. She had a huge heart and loved so many people...and animals. She was known for taking in strays and caring for them with all she had. Jeff is very much the same way. He hates to see animals or people in pain. I've known Jeff for about 15 years and he's always been there for me. I consider him a brother, part of my family. So you can understand how much it hurts for me to see him lose his mother.

Jeff, you're mother loved you so much and she was very proud of you. She handed down wonderful qualities to you that made you who you are today. The first time I met her, I could see you in her eyes. She was a blessing to the world and a blessing to all those that knew her. You, my friend, are a blessing as well. I don't know yet what it's like to lose a parent so I won't try to compare feelings. I do know that it hurts and I know that you probably have some conflicting feelings. I want you to know that I'm here to listen or be silent with you. I love you very much, brother.

"Mama I hope this makes you smile. I hope you're happy with my life, at peace with every choice I made, how I've changed along the way. 'Cause I know you believed in all of my dreams and I owe it all to you, Mama." -Il Divo

In honor of Jeff and in memory of Mama Louise

Someone Worth Dying For

"Am I more than flesh and bone? Am I really something beautiful? Yeah, I wanna believe, I wanna believe that I'm not just some wandering soul, that You don't see and You don't know. Yeah, I wanna believe, Jesus help me believe that I am someone worth dying for." - Mikeschair


Sometimes it's hard to admit that I can still feel this way from time to time but it happens. I have thoughts of not feeling like I'm beautiful, feeling like I'm not living up to expectations, and wondering if God actually sees me as someone worth dying for. I think that, more than likely, a large majority of people feel the same way.

This past week had me pretty stressed out. Actually, I'm still stressed but at least one huge project is out of the way. I had to take a final test in my math class by Friday and at the beginning of the week, I was only half way done with my last module. That basically means I still had a long way to go before I could even attempt the final test. I worked only on math from Tuesday morning through Friday afternoon in order to get it finished. By Thursday night I was seeing formulas in my sleep. I did take a small break to go see Breaking Dawn Part II on Thursday (which was pretty awesome). Friday morning came early and I found myself back at my computer watching the math media files and doing the homework that accompanies them. I started to panic. I didn't think there was any possible way I'd get through all that work and still have time to drive to school to take the test. It's times like these where I find myself thinking very negatively towards myself. I'm just not smart enough. Maybe I should give up. I guess it's not going to work out this semester. I can't remember anything. I'm so stupid.

After beating myself down for a while, I felt God. He was tapping me on the shoulder. As I turned my eyes to Him, He reminded me that He was there. He saw what I was going through. He knew I was frustrated. Please don't think I'm crazy. I didn't actually see God or feel a tap on my shoulder but I knew He was there. You know that voice you hear when you want to give up but that darn voice won't let you? Yep, that's Him. I stopped what I was doing. I turned away from the computer. I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and started praying. I prayed for God to give me the stamina and wisdom to get through my work so I could get to the math lab and finish the module. In my hectic mind, I was still. It takes a lot for me to be still so this was challenging. In my stillness, I was able to focus. When I opened my eyes, I turned back to the computer, and I took the last quiz for the module before the test. I got a 91% on the first try. That almost never happens so I know that God got me through it.

I got dressed and made my way to the school where I would find a very full math lab. I guess everyone else had the same idea. As I sat down to take the test, I said a little prayer again. It wasn't anything big, just a small prayer for encouragement. When I was finished, I clicked the 'submit' button to see my results. I passed with an 84.5%. And don't ya know, I was mad at myself all over again. I'm not sure why I do that but I do. I got a very good over-all grade for the class but I couldn't help thinking that I could have done better.

The drive home seemed longer than normal even though I'm only 2 or 3 miles down the road from the school. As I heard this song while driving, "Someone Worth Dying For" play, I realized that I think this way a lot even though I know that Jesus died for EVERYONE, you and me! He knows that we're all special. He knows that we're all beautiful. He knows US and knew us before we were born. How amazing is that? This song reminded me that even if you or I don't feel that we're worth it, Jesus knows we are and that's what matters.

So if you're feeling down, watch this video. It may change the way you look at yourself.

Have a wonderful week and a blessed Thanksgiving.

"You're worth it, you can't earn it. Yeah, the Cross has proven that you're sacred and blameless. Your life has purpose. You are more than flesh and bone. Can't you see you're something beautiful? Yeah, you gotta believe, you gotta believe. He wants you to see, He wants you to see that you're not just some wandering soul that can't be seen and can't be known. Yeah, you gotta believe, you gotta believe that you are someone worth dying for." - Mikeschair

The Hurt & The Healer

"Jesus come and break my fear. Awake my heart and take my tears. Find your glory even here, when the hurt and the healer collide." -MercyMe

Friday was a day I was looking forward to and sort of dreading at the same time. My week had gone pretty well with classes and I had hoped for a nice, quiet weekend to finish up...well...start my last math module so I could take the final test next Friday. So much for that. 

On Friday, I had my first ever visit to a chiropractor. My plan was that he would give me a good adjustment and I'd be on my way. Haha...not how it went. When arriving at the "hole in the wall" office, I made my way up the stairs to what I was hoping was the front door. I'd guessed right, thankfully. I got to the front desk where there were a few pages for me to fill out regarding my health information, past surgeries, what brought me there, blah, blah, blah. This is where writing small comes in handy. I completed my work in a few minutes and the assistant took me back into the little office with a massage table in the middle of the room. Looking around, I noticed all the human anatomy posters on the walls, the model of a spine, and all the very strange "torturous" looking equipment. Okay, maybe I'm exaggerating a little..but they did look rather peculiar. The nerves set in and I became obsessed with studying the posters to keep my mind off things. As I thought about bolting, the doctor came in the room. He was nice little guy, not much taller than I am. I couldn't imagine him doing harm to anyone so I tried to relax and say a prayer.

As our conversation about my migraines started to develop (I had more issues but we'll get to that in a bit), the doctor decided to feel my neck. In the process, he came across a knot at the base of my c-spine. I jumped and winced at the pain that shot through my neck and down my spine. He apologized but for some reason felt the need to keep poking spots that hurt like fury. I guess they're supposed to do that in order to make a fair assessment. His assessment, "hmmm...you're pretty sensitive." Ya think? After all the poking around, he told me what he thought could be causing the migraines and told me he would like an x-ray before doing any adjustments to my neck. Wise choice. I'm liking this guy for not putting me in a wheelchair by messing with my neck. 

We then went over details of my hip pain, lower back pain, and apparently TMJ. By this time, I'm feeling a lot older than I really am. He did a little bit more poking around my shoulder blades (very sensitive), my lower spine (sensitive), and sacrum (tail-bone....VERY SENSITIVE). Trust me, I would have run out of the office if I could have moved fast enough but getting up off the table took way too much energy. Instead, I let out whimpers and felt tears welling up in my eyes. 

Here comes the fun stuff (not really). He had me lie down, face first, on the massage table and placed those little sticky circles right underneath my shoulder blades. These sticky circles are deceiving. At the time, you can't see the wires that are attached to them or the machine that is attached to those wires. He also placed acupuncture needles in my neck and lower legs. This made me a little nervous since I figured the machine I was hooked up to had electricity surging through it. I had no intention of being a human conductor as the needles shot out blue waves and I rose up off the table like in the movie Powder. Well, this wasn't the case, thank goodness. I did happen to press down into the table, when he flipped on the TENS unit, so hard I thought I might come crashing down to the floor. I actually felt like I had a few hefty (like 200 lbs hefty) hamsters that had been injected with speed running around on my back. I literally couldn't breath. I must have endured about 15 minutes of this when the machine finally turned off. I thought, "Yes, it's over. I can go now."

Wrong! Here comes the doctor with another torture device...the gigantic massager! I didn't even see it coming since I was still face down on the table. That thing was probably as big as Charles Barkley's head. I'm not exaggerating on this one. He rubbed that thing over my lower back and tail-bone. Oye vey!  It hurts to even think about it again. Once he stopped after what seemed like an eternity, he asked me to roll over on my back. Ha! Yeah, not even on a great day can I do that without sounding like a box of Rice Crispy's. Good thing he took pity on me and showed me how to unlock my back in order to turn over. Along with that exercise, he showed me a few more to do throughout my day. 

With that, we were done...almost. He told me he wanted to see me again on Tuesday so we could get an x-ray. It appears as though I should have gone to the other office first but I didn't know that an x-ray was in my future. I don't have fear of x-rays. I've been through my fair share throughout the years along with MRIs, CTs, and Ultrasounds for other various conditions but for some reason, this one scares me. I'm afraid of what they might find. Will I finally get a diagnosis as to why my migraines have progressed and changed over the years? Will it be something as simple as needing an adjustment or will it be something serious that could require surgery? Whatever the case is, it will be good to know the answer I've been searching for since I was 15. So I will be brave...um...actually, God will be brave for me. He will hold my hand and get me through it as He always has. My hurt and my Healer will collide and I will be comforted by Him. 

"Breathe...sometimes I feel it's all that I can do. Pain so deep that I can hardly move. Just keep my eyes completely fixed on You. Lord take hold and pull me through. So here I am, what's left of me, where glory meets my suffering. I'm alive! Even though a part of me has died. You take my heart and breathe it back to life. I've fallen into Your arms open wide, when the hurt and the Healer collide." - MercyMe

I Can Only Imagine

"I can only imagine what it will be like, when I walk by Your side. I can only imagine what my eyes will see, when Your face is before me. I can only imagine. I can only imagine." -Mercy Me

I was listening to iHeart radio this afternoon and this song played. I'd prayed that God would give me song that would sum up this past week. Instead, I got a song that made me think of an old friend. So it looks like I'm going to write about that experience instead of my week.

The first time I heard this song was at a funeral. In March 2004, my co-worker passed away. We hadn't worked together very long but she had a big impact on my life. No matter how much was going on in her life, she always had time to listen. Christ's love shinned through her. Even after her diagnosis, Stage 3 Cervical Cancer, and treatment, she wanted to come back to work because she missed us...no matter how crazy we were. I regret that I didn't visit with her until she'd had a stroke and was placed in hospice. We got word that she had taken a bad turn and if we wanted to see her, we needed to do it soon. Another co-worker of mine went with me on a Saturday morning to see how she was doing. I'd never been to a hospice before and I was pretty nervous. When we arrived, we spoke with her family for a few minutes and they took us into the room. When my friend looked up, she smiled and said, in her deep Southern accent, "Hey, Miss Carrie." I almost lost it right there. It was so hard to see this woman that was so full of life now struggling to speak. I thank God that He lead me there to see my friend that day. It would be the last time I'd get to visit with her. A week later, on Sunday morning, I received the call that she'd passed away.

Many people from work attended a service held for our co-worker on Tuesday of that same week. Her pastor was a powerful speaker. He told us of her strong faith and I was again thankful to God that I would see her again in Heaven. They played "I Can Only Imagine" because it was her favorite song. Those words hit me incredibly hard as I sat in the pew and sobbed. Every time I hear it, I think of her and her smile. I think of how much she loved the Lord. I remember her kindness. I sure miss that lady but I know we'll meet again. I can only imagine that when we see each other, she'll say, "Hey, Miss Carrie."

I guess I won't know until I get there, what I'll do in the presence of Jesus. I'd like to think that my friend and others that have gone before me, will be waiting there to give me serious hugs.

"Surrounded by Your glory, what will my heart feel? Will I dance for You Jesus, or in awe of You be still? Will I stand in You presence, or to my knees will I fall? Will I sing Hallelujah? Will I be able to speak at all? I can only imagine." -Mercy Me

*Name withheld for privacy

Broken

"I'm hangin' on another day just to see what You throw my way. And I'm hanging on to the words You say. You said that I will be okay. The broken lights on the freeway, left me here alone. I may have lost my way now, haven't forgotten my way home." - Lifehouse

I've learned in the past few weeks that we are all broken. There are those that acknowledge they are broken and those that don't acknowledge they are broken...but we are all broken. I'm definitely broken in many ways. After some thought provoking discussions this past week, I've come to the conclusion that the more broken one is, the more pieces one has to share with those around them. Say for instance there's someone you think has it all together and maybe you admire or envy them, but how much can you really learn from that person? Then there's that other person that seems alright on the outside most of the time but then they share with you their inside...and it's messy. I don't know about anyone else but I think we come to respect the person sharing their messiness with us more than the one that seems to be "whole". I think we can learn from them, not only to be open about the messy stuff, but to learn from their past and make a better future.

I shared some of my brokenness in my small group last Monday. I admit that I was a little vague but those that know me well knew exactly what I was talking about. Part of my brokenness was caused by someone else. And even though it was felt on my end as well as theirs', that part of me and them, is now healing. I'd put a figurative band-aid over this wound for many years. I suppose they had, too. After years, conversations, and emails, that band-aid had been ripped off and now has some figurative Neosporen on it. As I shared, I realized how blessed my life really was and is. I made it through a very hard time in my life. The only one that stayed true and never left my side was God. During this trial, I felt alone, ashamed, shunned. Even though I thought my brokenness would cast me away from God, it actually drew me closer to Him. It's because of God's faithfulness that I didn't take my own life when I was 18 years old. It's because of God's grace that he forgives me for being broken. It's because of God's sacrifice that I will be made whole again when I get to Heaven. At that time, all my tears will be wiped away, I will have no more fears, and I will have no more pain. Can I get an AMEN?

With all of this said, my acknowledgement of my brokenness out there, I am blessed. It's sometimes difficult to thank God when I'm going through something painful but I know that I'm going through that painful time because someone else might benefit from it down the road. Maybe that person is reading this right now. Maybe that person is you. To all that are reading this, remember to hold on to God no matter how broken you feel. Even though you may be barely hanging on, you're blessed because you're still hanging on.

"I'm falling apart, I'm barley breathing. With a broken heart that's still beating. In the pain, there is healing. I'n Your name I find meaning. So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm barely holdin' on to you." - Lifehouse

Every Time I Breathe

"I am sure all of heaven's heard me cry as I tell You all the reasons why this life is just too hard. But day by day, without fail, I'm finding everything I need and everything that You are to me. " -Bid Daddy Weave

Last week was so busy, I didn't get a chance to sit down and reflect until today. It's hard to know where to start. I've learned and experienced a lot over the past week. At times, I was overwhelmed with my school work and looking after two poodles (escape artists). I felt as though I'd never make it through the week but here I am, by the grace of God, able to reflect on all that's happened.

My partner went to Florida on vacation with her parents Saturday morning of last week. I volunteered to watch her parent's dogs while they were away. I'm actually surprised I didn't any complaints from our neighbors. It's not that they are bad dogs, they're just a little bit spoiled. Add that to the separation anxiety of being dropped off at an apartment and left by their humans, eh, it was a hard week. We managed to get by with only three escapes (because they saw another dog) and few sessions of me throwing a tantrum. It's amazing to me that you can scream, yell, and act like a child but those darn dogs keep coming back asking (with their eyes) to cuddle them. Talk about loyalty!

I realized a few days before I was to get the dogs that my best friend from Phoenix would be in Northern Virginia on business and he asked if I'd come up to explore D.C. with him. Thankfully, Sara was able to find a dog sitter on short notice to stay with them so I could leave on Friday afternoon. I was a little reluctant to leave but all worked out in the end.

I left for Dulles airport a little after I should have on Friday but even with traffic, I made it just in time to pick up my buddy. Surprisingly enough, it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Dulles is pretty organized when it comes to picking people up on the curb. As we struggled with my GPS to give us directions to the hotel, my friend Jeff looked up and said, "Look! A rainbow!" It was beautiful. We could see every color. Then I hear, "Look! A double rainbow!" Jeff forgot about the GPS and grab his cell phone to get a picture. In the rush, he accidentally took video but that works, too. Hehe.. After a minute or so, we were looking at the end of the rainbow and driving through the base of it. Seriously, the coolest thing ever! This was a great sign to start our weekend.

During our ride to the hotel, Jeff decided to name my GPS. Since I have an English male voice on it, he named him Ian. Now when I mention Ian, you'll know who I'm speaking of. So, Ian got us to hotel and we got all situated in a nice little suite complete with a small kitchen, one bedroom, and pull-out sofa bed. We decided to grab some dinner and just relax so we'd be ready to go in the morning. We located a restaurant within walking distance of our hotel, but Ian didn't bother mentioning this until we pulled out of the parking garage and onto the main street. It was literally around the corner. My trust in Ian was vanishing. When we got to Grevey's (owned by Kevin Grevey of the 1978-79 NBA Champs, Washington Bullets), we sat down to a great meal and great beer. We even met Kevin Grevey!

Saturday morning, after a complimentary breakfast at the hotel, we set out (on foot this time) to find the closest train station. We decided to stop in a gas station to ask for directions and the clerk told us it was about a mile ahead. Jeff figured it wasn't all THAT far so we could walk it. Well, it really wasn't that bad but I don't think he realized how much more we'd walk in D.C. We made it to the train station in one piece but slightly out of breath. Jeff was taking pictures like crazy since he'd never been in a train station before. I was the same way my first time to D.C. so it was pretty cool to experience this event with him. The tracks were being worked on and we had to get off the train at the next station to get on a shuttle that would take us to the next station that would take us to the city. Ugh! That was exhausting just typing all that. Anyway, we got to our destination and stepped out of the tunnel to see the amazing sight of The Mall. Oh, and a homeless guy that "gave" us a map for a donation of $5. I must say the map did come in handy.

Our first stop was the National Monument (The Pencil). Unfortunately, it's still closed for repairs from the earthquake last year. At least the bathrooms were open. Jeff and I decided to walk at a slower pace than most people in the city so we didn't kill ourselves trying to look at everything. Haha.. The slower pace helped but we still walked A LOT! Along our journey, we stopped at the Korean War Memorial, the Lincoln Memorial, and the Vietnam Wall. These were all awesome. We took plenty of pictures...of the trees. Don't worry, we got the monuments as well. You have to realize that we're both from Phoenix so seeing the colors of Fall blows our minds. The majority of our photos were of leaves and other Fall like scenery...and of course a squirrel (long story).

Once we finally got around the block (longest block ever) to see the White House, we decided to grab some lunch. Finding ourselves at The Laughing Man, a sports bar, we got some over-priced entrees and a chance to sit. The problem with sitting after walking for about five hours is trying to get up. I couldn't believe how sore my hips were already. Instead of a walk, it was more like a shuffle after that.

At this point, we probably should have found a train to take us back to the hotel, BUT we decided to WALK to China-Town. It was worth the walk. I've never seen anything like it. I even saw roasted ducks hanging in a restaurant window (photo op!). We stopped in a little shop so Jeff could look for souvenirs and the lady behind the counter asked, "He your boyfrien'?" Really, she asked me twice and him once. I thought it was hilarious. More pictures of funny signs in China-Town and we finally stumbled upon a train station.

Again, we probably should have gone to the hotel BUT we wanted to check out DuPont Circle. After we got to our destination, we found ourselves in the land of confusion. This is a OCD person's worst nightmare! We had no idea where to go...so we found a sports bar...with a great beer selection. If all else's fails...find beer! The only drawback to this was sitting down and then trying to get back up. My shuffle was turning into a crawl. BUT...we kept on going. We walked through some fabulous neighborhoods and dreamed of being able to own a place like a quaint little brown-stone one day. Meanwhile, Jeff's GPS (not named yet but I have a few choice suggestions) on his phone, got us totally lost. We ended up very far away from where we started. It was time to sit down before our feet burned off of our ankles. Guess what? Yep, we found an Irish bar this time. Life got much better. We sat outside to enjoy the cool weather and really rest our bodies. And, of course, have a few beers. By the end of the third round, we thought it would be wise to get a cab to take us to our train station. Thankfully, the cab driver knew exactly where he was going. After a long train ride to our station, we thought it wise to get another cab to drive us instead of rolling down the hill to the hotel.

Sunday, after a short slumber, we got our things together, checked out of the hotel, and made our way to breakfast. We needed to fuel up before attempting Arlington National Cemetery. Nope, I'm not kidding. I guess we figured there wouldn't be THAT much walking involved. Wrong again! I won't bore all of you with the "Ian GPS" mishaps but I will say I wanted to run over that stupid piece of...stuff a few times. He apparently doesn't do well with circular roads. Grrr!! So a 20 minute drive turned into a 45 minute drive but we got there.

I don't have a lot of words to describe Arlington. The only one that comes to mind is "whoa". I was completely overcome. I was humbled. I was shocked. I was incredibly saddened by the sight of all those gravestones. The Pentagon Memorial touched me most. I think it was because I remember everything about that day and I can't get the images out of my head. As we walked, talked, and took pictures, Jeff and I reflected on all the wars that killed many of those buried at Arlington. It was definitely a somber mood. We arrived at the Tomb of the Unknowns and witnessed the changing of the guard ceremony. Again, I was in awe. What an amazing experience to witness.

Our time was over but I knew it would never be forgotten, as I dropped Jeff off at his new hotel for the start of his work week. We both treasured our time together of sharing this journey through America's history. I hope we'll get to do it again soon (with better walking shoes and an updated GPS).

As I close this blog, you may be wondering why I chose the song, "Every Time I Breathe". It really says what I was feeling this past week. I had a rough time dealing with the responsibilities of caring for the dogs and finding time for myself to do homework. I didn't think I could take much more by the week's end. But at the end of every day, I knew God was there and I knew He'd get me through. I saw God this weekend, in the Veterans that we met in Washington, D.C., in the beautiful Fall leaves, and in my best friend.

"Every time I breathe You seem a little bit closer. I never want to leave, I want to stay in Your warm embrace, oh, basking in the glory shining from Your face. And every time I get another glimpse of Your heart I realize it's true, that You are so marvelous God, and I am so in love with You." -Big Daddy Weave

We Shall Be Free

"When we're free to love anyone we choose, when this world's big enough for all different views, when we all can worship from our own kind of pew, then we shall be free." - Garth Brooks

This week started out like any other...assignments due, dinners to be made, exams to be taken. By the end of my week, Thursday, I found myself going over insurance forms with Sara. Every year around this time we get our new enrollment packages that tell us what changes will be made and what will stay the same in the upcoming year for our health insurance. Wah, wah, wah....

I've never really looked at the enrollment package before. I guess I figured Sara knows best and she'd take care of it. This year was different. Something peaked my curiosity. I wanted to take part in it and see what it was we were actually paying for. I must say it got me wound up. I was on my soapbox and I didn't want to come down. Now that I'm talking about it again, I'll hop back up on my soapbox and hope that you stay tuned to hear what I have to say about insurance and "domestic partners".

I am grateful that Sara's company offers domestic partner benefits. By the way, a domestic partnership can be man and woman, man and man, or woman and woman. I just wanted to clarify this point. However, a man and woman have the right to go from their domestic partnership into a legal marriage. Sara and I don't have that right. Being the employee, Sara gets to make use of the FSA (Flexible Spending Account). Which means the money she puts into this account, from her paychecks, get matched up to a certain amount by the employer. Any doctor appointments or prescriptions for Sara will be reimbursed to her through this account depending on how much money is in the FSA. BUT, I'm not covered under this part of the plan because I'm not her dependent or her legally recognized spouse. Therefore, any appointments or prescriptions for me do not get reimbursed.

Sara had told me of a guy at her work that had a longtime girlfriend and they had a child together. They hadn't set plans on getting married but when presented with the insurance dilemma, they tied the knot. It would be cheaper to have his girlfriend be listed as his wife instead of his domestic partner. I thought to myself, "how nice that they are able to get married and pay less for health insurance." I don't mean this as sarcastically as it may sound but it did hit me funny. I guess I'd never given much thought to the term "domestic partner". I sure thought about it that night...for the rest of the night.

I haven't made peace yet about getting married to someone of the same sex. That statement is about me only. It's between me and God. I feel that anyone of the human race should be able to legally marry the person they love regardless of race, gender, religion, origin, etc. That is a decision to be made by those people and God. If they are good with it, the government shouldn't have a right to deny them. Who is the government to tell me that because I love someone that is the same sex as me, I can't legally marry them? It isn't right. I literally could go out and get married to my best friend (happens to be a guy), or some guy I just met...as long as it's a man. The government isn't making marriage about love, their making it about gender. And just because the "powers that be" have their beliefs, it doesn't mean they can have everyone in America agree and conform to those beliefs.

So it's not out of jealousy that I'm speaking about this issue. It's about fairness. It's about equality. People shouldn't have to loose out on benefits, pay more money, or not be given certain medical rights because they can't legally marry the person they love. *stepping off soapbox*

"When there's only one race and that's mankind, we shall be free. We shall be free. Stand straight, walk proud, have a little faith, hold out. We shall be free" - Garth Brooks

I Could Have Been You

"It's not so easy anymore, the way you used to keep score...not so black and white the color of your sin. Take a walk inside my shoes, a path I didn't choose. Spend the night inside of my skin." - Melissa Etheridge
I must say I've had a pretty good week. I'd gotten through a Math quiz and a Spanish test all in the same day.  I also had a decent jump on homework throughout the week. Everything was going smoothly and then...ouch! 
A few blogs back I had written that if we were obedient to God and served Him, we shouldn't get our feelings hurt because He loves us no matter what.  Well, I still believe that to an extent. However, I sorta got my feelings hurt today. 
I'll give a little background here so everyone can get a feel of the situation. This is going to get pretty personal but I feel the need to write and get it all out.
Back in a fourth grade Sunday school class, I made a friend. She turned out to be one of my best friends from fourth grade all the way through high school. Once we started college, me in Northern Arizona, and her at a local community college, things shifted in our relationship. I was struggling in new surroundings, didn't have any real friends around me, and I was having issues with figuring out my sexuality. I'd written letters to two of my closest friends (one from high school and the other being the person in which I'm referring to) telling them of my situation. I'd shared how scared I was that I'd be rejected by family, friends, and God. I hated myself because I thought nobody would ever love me if they knew. I remember the last line in each letter. I said, "I've always been this way. The only thing that's changed is now you know." 
A few days after I'd sent the letters, I got the phone call that made me feel even worse. Yep, it was from her. She spewed Bible verses at me and told me to repent my sins and come back to God. Keep in mind, we were only 18. At the time, I thought I was going to Hell in a hand-basket. I understand now that she was just as scared as I was. She didn't know she was hurting me. She thought she could help me. But back then, I didn't know that. I found myself in the darkest place I'd ever been. Not only did my "best friend" think I was wrong, but I thought, "how would God ever accept me now?" The other person I'd sent a letter to, wrote me back within a week. She told me that after reading the last line of my letter, she understood. She wouldn't reject me. She wouldn't react by throwing a Bible at me. She knew I wasn't making it up. She was supportive. She told me that God still loved me and that she still loved me just the way I was. Though we're not as close now (I'm in VA and she's in CA), we still keep in contact by writing letters. This was and is a true friend to me.
Even with the support of a few select friends back home, I still struggled with the idea that I was gay. How could this be? I knew I'd always felt a little different growing up, but the word "gay" wasn't in my vocabulary. I remember telling a friend, that lived behind me, while we were in grade school how I had a crush on a girl. I think we were about seven or eight years old. She promptly went and told her mom while I was standing there. Her mother turned to her and told her that it was okay to have crushes on girls. Then she looked and me and told ME it was okay. I wish there would have been more people like her in my life while I was growing up.
Back to the friend...we pretty much stopped talking after that phone call in college. I had tried to keep in touch through the years, maybe to show her that I wasn't a bad person or that I really valued her friendship at one time. After a while, I gave up trying. One failed phone call after the next to reach her wasn't worth the rejection anymore. I'd hear about her life through my mom. I found it hurtful that she'd keep in contact with my mother (going to lunch, phone calls) but not with me. 
Fast forward to the end of 2010...I'd just moved to Virginia. Out of nowhere, I get a friend request on Facebook from...you guessed it...her...my long lost pal. To be honest, I hesitated to accept it. I waited a few days, prayed about it, and talked with my partner's mom about it. Part of me didn't want anything to do with her anymore. I didn't want to be hurt again or feel that I was committing the worst sin in the world by still being gay and living with my partner. The days past and I finally accepted the request. She then sent me an email apologizing for all the pain she felt she caused me. She genuinely felt horrible about it. She even apologized to my mom for the way she treated me. I was blown away! 
After a few emails back and forth, we exchanged numbers. Our first phone conversation was over an hour. We talked like we were back in fourth grade but older and somewhat wiser. We talk now on a limited basis only because of busy lives. It's good to have my friend back in my life. 
Here comes more hurt. It amazes me that after getting over all of the pain, guilt, and shame of being gay, after realizing that God loves me more than I could ever imagine, and after finding a church full of people that love me exactly how I am, I could still be hurt by comments from my friend. 
I'm not going to share those comments but I can only hope that she doesn't realize they are hurtful. I understand that she has beliefs that differ from mine which I respect. I only pray that before the next post on Facebook regarding LGBT issues, she will think about who might read it and how it will effect those that do. I also pray that she knows I love her as my sister in Christ and I always will.
"Touch, touch what I feel, and know I believe everything I say. So go, go if you must. Remember one thing as you walk away. I, I could have been you. You could have been me, one small change that shapes your destiny. If you want the proof, cut me and you'll see...I could have been you, you could have been me." - Melissa Etheridge

Father's Eyes

"I may not be every mother's dream for her little girl. And my face may not grace the mind of everyone in the world. But that's alright as long as I can have one wish, I pray. When people look inside my life, I wanna hear them say, she's got her Father's eyes." - Amy Grant

This week brought me to a place that was unexpected.  A place that was out of my comfort zone.  Oddly enough, this strange occurrence happened Tuesday, the day after my Monday night Bible study group.  We just started studying the book of Jonah. Towards the end of the evening, we talked about life getting interrupted. We generally pass this off or overlook why the interruption happened. What we should be doing is taking the time to think about it.  Was it just a phone call that came at a bad time for us, or was it a phone call that came with someone on the other end really needing our help? Did you pick up the phone or hit the ignore button?  Maybe God put someone on your mind. Did you bother to follow up with that person or say 'I'll deal with them when I have the time?'

I guess you could say the study really got me thinking and I didn't even realize I what I was doing on Tuesday until after I did it.  The week before last, my Math class was canceled because our instructor's mother was rushed to ICU.  It was last minute and he couldn't find anyone to take over his class.  At first, I thought, 'well at least I won't feel badly I had to miss class because of being sick.' Horrible, right?  Yeah, God thought so, too, and He let me know that was not the right attitude to have.  So I emailed my professor and let him know I would be praying for his mother.  God really convicted me of not having His eyes, of not seeing that someone needed to be cared for, prayed for. Our professor wasn't there for the next class that week either but did have someone to take over for him.  By this last Tuesday, he was back in class.  I'd been diligently praying for my instructor and his mother the whole week.  At the end of class, I walked over to him and asked him about his mother (I never do this).  He told me she'd had a severe stroke but thankfully was out of ICU.  I told him I was sorry and that I'd continue to pray.  I patted him on the shoulder (also something I would never do) and he looked me directly in the eyes.  His voice cracked as he said, 'thank you, I really appreciate that.'

As I walked down the stairs to my car, I quietly said my own thank you to God for giving me His eyes for that moment.  I truly believe without God, I never would have approached that man, my professor.  I would have let the fear and shyness take over and never said a word. But with God in control, anything is possible. He showed me that this week and I am forever grateful. I pray that He will continue to show me more.  I know for this to happen, I continually have give Him complete control over my life.  Easier said than done for me. I can be a control freak so learning to let go is difficult.  After the experience this week, I want people to know me for having my Father's eyes. Anything else doesn't come close to how wonderful that would be.

"And when you're called to stand and say just what you saw in me, more than anything I know, I wan't your words to be, she had her Father's eyes, her Father's eyes. Eyes that found the good in things, when good was not around. Eyes that found the source of help, when help would not be found. Eyes full of compassion, seein' every pain. Knowin' what you're going through and feelin' it the same." - Amy Grant

Breathe

"I played the fool today.  I just dream of vanishing into the crowd.  Longing for home again.  Home, is a feeling I buried in you. I'm alright, I'm alright. It only hurts when I breathe." - Greenwheel (covered by Melissa Etheridge)


The week has gone by pretty fast considering it started with bronchitis and missing one and a half days of school.  I'm actually surprised at this fact.  I expected to be "down with the sickness" (plug for the System of a Down fans) for quite a while.  I suppose this time I knew what needed to be done to heal quicker.  I drank about an ocean's worth of water and Gatorade.

With the fluids, rest, and various medications, I was ready to take on the Spanish test on Tuesday afternoon. I did a little better than expected and brought home an 89%.  I figured that wasn't too bad considering I wasn't retaining much information at the time. Plus, I coughed my way through the majority of the exam.  Don't worry, I had my little bottles of hand-sanitizer which I used every time I coughed or blew my nose.  I wasn't looking to get anyone sick. I only wanted to take the test instead of getting a zero.  It definitely wore me out by the time I got back home.  The rest of the evening was spent trying to prepare for a math test on Thursday.

By Wednesday, I was starting to feel normal again.  I still had a hard time breathing and needed to use the inhaler I was prescribed a few times.  Other than that I had a pretty good day.  I was surprised that I missed being at school.  I had a full day on top of it but I genuinely enjoyed being there.  Kinda funny how that works.

On Thursday I took my math final for my first module.  For those that haven't experienced this type of math course...it's very odd.  You get all your notes and teachings from videos via the Internet.  From there you're able to do homework and take quizzes.  It's interesting but maybe not the best way from some people, like me, to learn math.  I've heard of a few others struggling with this type of course as well.  I'm doing my best and have four more modules to go before I can get into the prerequisite I need for Nursing.  So far, so good with a 91% on the first module test.

Thursday afternoon we went to Farmville to celebrate Sara's dad's birthday.  We settled on Ruby Tuesdays for dinner which was excellent, by the way.  I got the steak and lobster tail special, as did Sara's dad.  We chose wisely.  I can't believe that was one of the best lobsters I'd ever eaten.  Either I've never had good lobster or Ruby Tuesdays knows what they're doing.  After that it was back to her parent's house so Sara could say goodbye to the doggies.  She was to leave the next morning for Kansas to visit a friend and wanted to make sure the dogs didn't feel left out if she didn't stop by (isn't that cute?). When we got back to our place, Sara informed me that she still needed to do some laundry and pack.  I love getting this news at 10:30pm. *sarcasm* The good thing is that she took care of it and I got to go to bed. The bad news is that we had to be up at 4am to leave by 4:30am....to drive to Reagan National Airport...3 hours away.

Neither of us got very much sleep.  My excuse was coughing plus the fact that I was still taking the steroids the doctor had given me to ease my lungs.  Those darn things keep me so wired I can hardly blink. Sara was up doing laundry until about 12:30am and has also had some coughing issues.  4am came way too early but we managed to be out the door by around 4:45am.  After a quick stop for breakfast in Ashland, it was onward to see if it was possible to beat morning traffic into D.C.  Haha...so much for wishful thinking. The traffic started showing signs of slowing somewhere after Dumfries and really got slow after passing Springfield.  I was afraid my clutch would burn out after all the stop-and-go.  Luckily I got Sara to the airport in one piece...and on time.  The really fun part would be the drive back home.

As I made my way around the airport to try and get out, my GPS got confused.  No, really, it was all the GPS's fault.  Even after yelling at him he still wouldn't recalculate fast enough.  I thought about throwing him out the window but with my luck, someone would try to return it to me.  Anyway, I finally made it safely out of airport traffic and directly into more rush hour traffic.  I'm not a fan of traffic so I'm sure people passing me by at a snails pace got to see some wonderful animation from me (throwing hands in the air, screaming, rubbing forehead).  I hope I made their morning commute entertaining.  Once I could get my car up to fifth gear, it was smooth sailing.  This turned out to be a dangerous thing because I caught myself falling asleep a few times.  Yeah, I should have pulled over.  I should have stopped to rest my eyes but I am my father's daughter and seem to be too stubborn to apply common sense. I was only thinking of getting home and getting back in bed.  I did get home safely thanks to my now bald angels.

Home is a good place to be but I've noticed that it's not really home when the people you love aren't there with you.  As much as Sara makes me crazy, I do miss her when she's not here.  Usually it's the other way around for us.  She drives me to the airport so I can visit my family and turns around to come back to an empty home.  I guess I didn't really understand how she felt until I got to experience the journey to drop her off at the airport.

The song, "Breathe", mentioned above, has a couple meanings for this past week.  Of course there's the obvious, it hurt for me to breathe because of the bronchitis.  The other meaning is simply that my home is missing an important piece for the next few days and it won't feel like home until she's back.

"My window through which nothing hides and everything sees.  I'm counting the signs and cursing the miles in between. Home...is a feeling I buried in you." -Greenwheel (covered by Melissa Etheridge)

Take You Back

"You'll take me back always. And even when my fight is over now.  Even when my fight is over now, You'll take me back always.  And even when my pain is coming through, even when my pain is coming through, You'll take me back always." -Jeremy Camp.

I'm a little late on this post and for that I apologize. Seems it's been a long month this week. In my trying to keep on top of my studies and personal life, I'm now paying the price.  I have bronchitis.

Monday was a long day but ended up with a wonderful time sharing with my small group.  We finished up our study in Philippians brought to us by Craig Groeschel via Internet.  If you have a chance, check it out @ www.lifechurch.tv.  This last chapter, chapter four, was about giving all your worries to God...and not taking them back.  Sure, everyone has things they worry about, but why do we worry so much?  Some things we can make an effort to change but most things are completely out of our control.  After learning about this, I'm thinking of making (or getting) a "God box"...a box where I can write down what I'm worried about, place it in the box, and pray about it instead of worrying about it.  Once the worry is placed in the box, there's no way to take it back (or get it out of the box).  How awesome is this?

Tuesday through Wednesday found me trying to write an essay for English.  It's been so long since I've written anything in an essay form. It got me a little stressed out.  Yes, I prayed about it.  It's not that I was worried but I guess I just wanted it to be perfect.  After a few hours into it, I knew it wouldn't be perfect.  I also know that I did my best and that makes being perfect not important.  The important aspect was that I turned in a finished essay on time.  Now comes the waiting for the grade...but no worries.

Thursday went by so fast that I can hardly remember what happened so I'll skip to Friday.  I had a dentist appointment that seemed to go pretty well.  Then it was off to get a new "do".  Yep, it was time.  My hair was getting to the awkward point where I started wearing a hat everyday.  As much as I try to grow it out, once this stage hits, all I want to do is cut it off.  So, back to the faux-hawk for me. I'm certainly no stylist but I can rock the faux-hawk.

By Saturday, I was pretty exhausted but managed to go find some new jeans for winter at the mall.  I despise the mall...any mall.  I suppose I'm the type that wants to get in and get out.  I haven't found a mall yet that would accommodate me with this.  Seriously, if the mall had stores that had a self-checkout, I'd be there all the time. The experience wasn't completely tragic, although, I did hit a minor snag.  When I tried on my soon to be new jeans, I'd taken my phone and keys out of my pockets.  After choosing which pairs I wanted, I put my old jeans back on and went to pay for my prize.  I got checked out fairly quickly even though the sales clerk was trying to push a credit card at me.  I decided then to see about finding a NY Giants shirt for me and a Jets shirt for Sara.  After going to the other end of the mall, I didn't see a darn thing that would work.  I guess that's what happens when you live in a state that loves their Redskins, Cowboys, and Steelers. What's a girl to do?  I wandered back to the store I'd parked in front of and reached for my keys.  Uh....keys...where did I put my....NO!!!!  I'd left them in the dressing room.  So there I went at a frantic speed-walking pace back to JC Penny praying to God that my keys were still there.  Upon a breathless arrival, someone had occupied the dressing room I had used previously.  I took a few deep breaths pondering what to do.  I decided to check with Guest Services to see what they might have.  What do ya know?  My keys were sitting right there on the counter.  Whew!  I picked them up and jingled them a bit to get the clerks attention.  She looked at me and said, "Yep, I knew she'd be back. Can't get very far with out those now can ya?"  Haha..I suppose it's funny now but at the time I felt like coming over the counter and yelling, "Look lady, I have been all over this place today and I haven't eaten in about seven hours.  You do not want to mess with me right now."  But, I just thanked her and made my way back to my car.

Later in the afternoon, we drove out to Blackstone to celebrate Sara's brother's birthday. Ever since the "loosing my keys incident", I'd developed a bad headache.  But I didn't want to miss out on the redneck volleyball games and all the delicious food that has fattened me up since moving here.  This is most likely when the bronchitis was about to attack.  After sitting out in the cold all night in shorts and a t-shirt and watching the antics of Binghamville volleyball, my headache started to dissipate but my chest began hurting. I figured I'd just need to get warmed up and get some sleep.

Sunday, it hit...hard...with a fury.  I couldn't breathe, my chest felt as if someone was sitting on me, my head hurt a little, my body ached, and my nose was stuffy.  I was upset that I'd miss church for the third week in a row but I didn't want to chance getting anyone sick.  I tried to relax on the couch and drink plenty of water.  Relaxing is hard to do when you're drinking so much.  Every time I got back to the couch, I'd have to get right back up to use the bathroom.  Anyway, Sara when off to hang out with some co-workers and watch football so I had the place to myself.  I was okay until the chills set in. By that time, Sara walked through the door with a variety of soups and Gatorade. That's my girl!  When she realized it was hot in the apartment and I was wrapped in a blanket, she knew it was serious.  I'm always too hot and very rarely cold (it's an Arizona thing). She got me to eat some soup, take a shower, and then get dressed to go to Patient First.  I can't stand that place but I knew it was serious enough that I needed to get some medication.  I'll spare you all the details of the visit but I came out with a basket full of medicines and they even let us take a box of Kleenex.

That brings me to today, Monday again.  I'm bummed that I had to stay home from classes but I know that I needed the rest.  I hope I feel well enough to go tomorrow. There's Math and Spanish that I really don't want to miss.

I think God may be telling me to slow down and I'm going to try and be thankful for the time off.  He does make all things work together for my good. Romans 8:28

"I can only speak with a grateful heart, as I'm pierced by the gift of Your love.  I will always bring an offering.  I can never thank You enough."  Jeremy Camp

Stand In The Rain

"She never slows down.  She doesn't know why but she knows that when she's all alone, feels like it's all coming down.  She won't turn around.  The shadows are long and she fears if she cries that first tear, the tears will not stop raining down." -Superchick

It's real.  I'm in college.  I now know why I didn't do so well the first time around.  I was young, away from the comforts of home, going through a very confusing time, and I felt like I didn't have any friends that would understand what I was dealing with. I went through a lot of anxiety and depression that first time away from home.  Some say I just couldn't hack it.  Some say I did my best with the cards I was dealt.  I say I wasn't ready.

Forgive me for venting a little but this past week and the start of this week have been the hardest for me so far.  Everything kind of sunk in, I guess.  I started getting that anxious feeling again.  I believe there was even a hint of depression knocking on the door, telling me I wasn't smart enough, strong enough, or deserving enough to try college again.  I thought the long weekend would help a little to clear my mind.  I'd have plenty of time to get my school work done and hang out with my partner, Sara.  But things didn't go according to plan....

Thursday was the start of my Labor Day weekend and it started off just fine.  I got to catch up with a great friend over a smoothie and excellent conversation (Thanks, Sally!).  Then Sara, her friend from work, and I went to see the infamous Flying Squirrels (Minor League Baseball for those that don't know) in one of their last games of the season. We had a great time, got to enjoy fireworks, and the Squirrels won the game in the bottom of the ninth.  How sweet is that?

Friday was supposed to be my homework day.  I had an appointment in the morning but decided that I would work on everything when I got home.  I can say that I started to work on homework but of course I got distracted and HAD to call Mom to update her on what my new doctor said.  We chatted for a while and all of a sudden I heard the key giggling in the door.  It was Sara, home from work early, to pick me up to go see our friend's newborn baby.  We rushed out the door, into her car, and we were off in a flash. We had gotten to the entrance to the parking lot of the hospital when...wait for it....Sara's car shut off.  Yep, right in the middle of the street.  So I pushed, okay, WE pushed the car towards the curb and out of the way of traffic.  Sara called AAA and about an hour later, the tow truck showed up to haul her baby (the Subaru) away.  On a bright note, we did get to meet a sweet little girl who was only one day old.  The day was saved by that new tiny human!  I, on the other hand, didn't get much work done.

Saturday seemed to bring more distractions like driving Sara to work, laundry, dishes, picking up Sara from work, etc.  I sure wish some of these things would take care of themselves but I know it wouldn't appease my OCD.  One more day down, two more to try again.

Sunday, we missed church simply because neither Sara nor I were feeling well.  We had a long day ahead and wanted to rest up a little before we got it started.  Cleaning the aquarium (it's a 270-gallon for two turtles.  Extreme?  Nah!), grocery shopping, and homework were on the "To Do" list.  The aquarium got clean but not much of anything else.  Humph!

Monday brought about a new day of wondrous possibilities (enter sarcastic voice here). Although, we did manage to get the grocery shopping done and I was able to finish up everything due for Tuesday.  Ah!  Finally, I felt at peace.  No, wait...Spanish!!  I forgot about the Spanish test on Tuesday.  Doh!  Sara thought I was prepared but I'm not always as confident.  Needless to say, it was a toss-and-turn kind of sleep for me.

I guess a productive yet relaxing long weekend wasn't really meant to be this time.  But it made me realize that I need to learn to prioritize and balance my life so I don't end up either dropping out of college...again, or start chasing imaginary butterflies at the funny farm with my equally imaginary over-sized net.

I've come a long way since that first Freshman year of college.  Now look at me!  I'm thirty-four years old (still look like I'm maybe 20ish...on a good day), and I'm starting over again.  I'm giving it another shot.  This time I'll hack it.  This time I will do my best no matter what.  This time I'm ready.

"So stand in the rain.  Stand your ground.  Stand up when it's all crashing down.  You stand through the pain.  You won't drown.  And one day, what's lost can be found." -Superchick

Steady My Heart

"I'm not gonna worry...I know that You got me right inside the palm of Your hand...Each and every moment...what's good and what gets broken...happens just the way that You plan." -Kari Jobe

As most of you know, I started college on Monday.  I haven't been inside a classroom for the purpose of learning since 1997.  I, like most, tried college immediately after high school without knowing exactly what I wanted to do in life.  This plan was not so good for me since I'm the type that needs a plan before attempting anything.  I need to know what the outcome is going to be before I start.  It gives me a sense of purpose...an outline to follow...a feeding of my OCD.  Therefore, I lasted one semester at NAU (Northern Arizona University) and made a poor attempt at a second semester at GCC (Glendale Community College). I barely passed one of my classes which ironically was Psychology 101 (I find humor in it).

As the years passed, and passed, and passed, I found myself drawn towards health care.  It makes sense to me since practically my entire family has experience either being in Radiology or Nursing.  My wheels began turning and before I knew it I was granted the financial aid I would need to get this show on the road.  It's only been 16 years.

Holy time travel, Batman!! Things sure have changed in the past 16 years.  My first day of classes left me thinking, "I can't do this!".  Everything is computer based...even my Math class.  I started to feel old.  I felt old because I'm generally the oldest person in each of my classes (I think I may be younger than most of my instructors..whew!) and technology has really gotten away from me.  All of a sudden I NEEDED to have Windows 7 (which meant a laptop with the program loaded), a backpack practically made to carry everything including the kitchen sink, and possibly some hair dye to cover the grays.  I'm serious!

I started to panic.  Well, I started to panic before the first day but this made it all sink in. Then something happened towards the end of the week.  I realized that worrying wouldn't get me anywhere.  God told us not to worry, to not be anxious for tomorrow.  I truly believe that God's got this for me.  I gave it all to Him.  Guess what happened after I let it all go?  I was able to get my very first laptop with everything I will need to complete homework assignments and even have the capability to use it for personal stuff should I choose to do so.  Granted it took me six hours and seven different stores later to find the one I needed but it worked out.  For this I give thanks to God.  He kept me safe while traveling all over Richmond.  He led me to the right person that would tell me exactly which store had the laptop in stock.  He gave me patience to get through the day without running anyone over with my car.  He provided!

"Even when it hurts...Even when it's hard...Even when it all just falls apart...I will run to You.  'Cause I know that You are the lover of my soul...Healer of my scars...You steady my heart." -Kari Jobe

Chicken Fried

"You know I like my chicken fried, cold beer on a Friday night, a pair of jeans that fit just right, and the radio up." -Zac Brown Band

All this Chick-Fil-A stuff is really making me crazy.  I don't understand what the big deal is.  Really!.  From what I hear Chick-Fil-A is supporting organizations like "Focus On The Family", "Fellowship of Christian Athletes", and "WinShape Foundation"...to name a few. Because of these sponsorships and comments made by the President of Chick-Fil-A everyone has gotten their feelings hurt over the issue of gay marriage and the fact that Chick-Fil-A has said they don't support the issue.  To my knowledge, we live in America, right?  So you and I (business owners, too) have the right to freedom of speech and religion.  Guess what??  We also have the right to our own opinions.  Just because someone doesn't agree with you, doesn't give you the right to "bash" them.

Here's the thing...Chick-Fil-A is a Christian-based organization.  I am a Christian.  I am a lesbian.  Believe it or not, the two words can be put together.  However, if I, as a Christian lesbian come out and "boycott" Chick-Fil-A and all the other businesses out there that don't support gay marriage, I'm as ignorant as they are.  I would be labeled as a hypocrite as well.  As a follower of Christ, I'm taught to love thy neighbor...which is what I try to do everyday.  Granted, this can be difficult especially in situations when I'm offended by someone's ignorance.  Although, I also have learned that when I'm in a close personal relationship with Jesus that He will stand up for me so I shouldn't worry what other people think.  He is the reason I'm here today.  He is the reason I'm writing this today.  He is the REASON!

I'm sure there are people reading this that may have been offended, gotten their feelings hurt, or maybe are just confused as to why I wouldn't support the boycott.  Let's get real here.  If you boycott Chick-Fil-A, then you should also boycott Applebee's and Kraft Foods for joining them in building the "Kids Live Well" Initiative.  And while you're at it, don't watch the Chick-Fil-A Peach Bowl this year.  I'm sure you wouldn't want to support a Bowl game that is sponsored by such a "hateful" business.

I am not saying all of this because I LOVE Chick-Fil-A...I don't.  I used to but then I found that they use Monosodium Glutamate (MSG) in their fried chicken...which is more than half the menu.  If it weren't for the migraine that ensues after eating there, I would be a big fan.  Here's is what I am saying, if you're no longer going to eat at Chick-Fil-A, make it for a good reason, like the food not being good for you or having an allergy as I do.  Don't make it about the fact that the business owner's don't have the same beliefs as you do because that makes you as ignorant as they are.

"So if you agree, have a drink with me.  Raise your glasses for a toast...to a little bit of chicken fried..."

10,000 Reasons

"You're rich in love, and You're slow to anger. Your name is great, and Your heart is kind. For all Your goodness I will keep on singing. Ten thousand reasons for my heart to find. Bless the Lord, O' my soul, O' my soul. Worship His holy name. Sing like never before, O' my soul. I'll worship Your holy name."

The above is part of one of my favorite songs for the last few months. It reminds me how much I have to be thankful for and how much I'm blessed. When I sing it in church, I can close my eyes and truly find myself in a place of worship. Of course there are many other songs that have the same affect but this one stands out to me right now. Maybe the song hits me hard because of my recent vacation to Los Angeles and Phoenix.

I left Richmond on June 19th to fly to LAX where my brother would be waiting to scoop me up and take me to see the precious baby we call Nico. It was a very long day which included one stop in Chicago, a dash for the next plane to only find out it wasn't the right one and I had to go back to where I'd just sprinted from, and then, of course, a slight delay. Once on my final flight of the day, looking for my middle seat (not my choice), I found that I would be sitting in between a rather...um...hefty woman, and a young woman that was actually small enough to sit in the seat sideways while she slept. This ironic situation left me with the larger woman basically sitting on my left thigh and the smaller woman pushing her behind onto my right thigh so she could sleep comfortably. At least they showed a movie that kept me entertained for about ninety minutes of the three hour forty five minute flight. Plus I had my tunes and a book, which was fine once I was able to reach the light above my head so I could see what I was reading. We arrived at LAX on time, despite the initial delay, and I was very excited to get off the plane...mostly because I was starving and really needed a bathroom ASAP! It's really a shame when airlines are charging for snacks (a few cookies) that you used to get for free. Now they load you up on beverages, that are free for now, and seem to think it's not a problem to get up and use the lavatory provided on the plane in the middle of a bumpy flight....squished between two rear-ends. I'm really not complaining. They did get us to our destination safely and for that I'm grateful. However, we waited about 30 minutes after we landed on the runway trying to avoid the active runways on either side of us. It was an interesting experience.

Eventually, I was in the car with my brother. We had to make a slight detour to In 'N Out Burger to get something "nourishing" to eat. After that it was through the streets of LA we went. It's a heck of a culture shock after driving on the highways of VA for the past year and half. It's even busier than Phoenix...and this was after midnight on a weekday! After arriving at my brother's home, I got to peek in on Nico. He was fast asleep and looked so peaceful that it was hard to take my eyes off of him. Reluctantly, I dragged myself away and got ready for my own trip to dreamland.

When I awoke, earlier than expected, I went to greet my nephew for the first time since last Christmas. He'd grown so much from being a 4lb 2oz preemie to a now 14lb little smiley human. I smiled at him and he smiled right back like he knew who I was. My heart melted all over again. That first morning was spent feeding him and then having some playtime before putting him down for a nap. Then it was off to his physical therapy appointment where I learned quite a lot about him. It seems that many preemies are born with some nerve damage in their necks. So even at 7 months, Nico wasn't able to turn over by himself or put his left arm out when he'd fall over from sitting up. We went through exercises on how to strengthen his left arm and what we could do at home with him to get him up to speed. Nico is trooper! He smiled the whole time and only got a little bit cranky at the end because it was feeding time again. Once we got him into his car seat, I fed him a bottle and it was off to meet up with my brother for lunch. Knowing the lack of authentic Mexican food in VA, they took me to a hole-in-the-wall Mexican restaurant. It was fantastic and served my craving. After lunch, we piled into the car and drove to my brother's work where I got the grand tour. Very impressive!

The rest of the week was great as well. My brother, his wife, and I got to spend a lot of quality time together. Plus, I got to experience the schedule of a baby. It seems pretty good to me. Wake up, have someone change your diaper, eat, play, change of diaper, nap, wake up, eat, change diaper, play, nap, etc. This kid has it made! And in case you were wondering, I did change his diaper...but not the poopie ones. I need to work my way slowly up to that.

There was one down point that came on Thursday. We had just put Nico down for his nap and I was checking some email on the computer. My cell phone rang...it was my dad. My dad never calls me from his cell phone so my mind was going in all sorts of directions. He was calling to tell me that he'd had to take my mom to the E.R. and that they found blot clots in her lungs. "Here we go again", I thought. On Thanksgiving 2010, my dad experienced the same thing. He was in the hospital for ten days so I was worried...really worried. We were going to drive out to Phoenix the next Wednesday but with this diagnosis, I was wondering if we'd leave earlier than expected. Thanks to all you pray-ers out there, she was released from the hospital in three and half days. I'll touch more on this in a bit.

Saturday, we got to go to Disneyland and California Adventure! I hadn't been to Disneyland since I was in high school and California Adventure didn't exist back then so this was an amazing treat for me. I got to go on some old but updated rides with my brother that we'd gone on as kids. I suppose we acted like kids this time around as well. We also went on a few "new" rides, like Indiana Jones and the new Cars rides at California Adventure. I was amazed at all the changes since I'd been there last. We were able to meet many characters along the way. Nico absolutely lit up when meeting Goofy, Mickey Mouse, and Baloo. He would grab their noses, kiss them, and smile like crazy. It was probably one of the cutest things I'd ever seen and we've got pictures to prove it...tons of pictures. 

 
Sunday, we went to a picnic for all the people that had used the adoption agency where Nico came from. We got to meet with all kinds of families but most importantly, Elmo was there! Elmo is a favorite in Nico's world. He was thrilled and we have pictures of that, too. The weather was perfect. We all had a really wonderful time.

Wednesday came fast and we were getting ready for the journey to Phoenix pretty much all day. When my brother got home from work, we packed up the car and headed out. We had a few stops to change seating arrangements, and to let Nico cool off and stretch (those car seats are hot). But we made it in about six hours. That put us there around 2am. Even with Mom still recovering, she and Dad manged to get the rooms ready and the air mattress blown up. We chatted for a little bit and headed off to sleep.

Saturday was the big day. It was the day my big brother would graduate with his Bachelor's in Accounting from the University of Phoenix. It was hotter than...well...a place I don't want to spend eternity. I believe it was around 110 degrees that day. I know, it's a dry heat, but seriously it's no fun to get a third degree burn when you grab your seat belt or when you have to drive with oven mitts. At least it was cool in the stadium...actually it was freezing. Maybe they set it up for a hockey game instead of a graduation. Anyway, despite the normal obnoxious people getting in the way of the zoom lens and using blow horns to get their point across that they were in attendance, it was a great day. We are all so proud of him. I honestly have no idea how he managed work, school, and having a baby all the same time. What an accomplishment! He's truly an inspiration to me. 

 
Sunday, we had to say "see ya later" once again. I stayed behind to spend some more time with my parents and see some friends. So my brother, his wife, and my devastatingly adorable nephew packed up the car and headed back to LA. It's always hard to give those "see ya later" hugs and I doubt it will ever get easier.
The last few days went by very fast. I was able to catch up with old friends...not as many as I'd liked but I'll catch the rest of you next time. We had people over for the 4th of July to eat and watch fireworks set off from the Peoria Sports Complex...which happens to have a great view from my parent's cul-de-sac. My mom's health continued to improve and I'm so thankful I got to spend time with her. I witnessed my dad being "Mr. Mom" for a week. I kind of wish I'd had a video of it. Not because it was funny or out of the ordinary, but because he did such a great job at taking care of my mom. 

 
Getting back home to VA was bitter sweet. It's tough to leave family and friends but awesome to come home to a new family and new friends that I very much missed. I'm currently out of work due to my long vacation but praying for something to supplement the income until I can get started on school in August. 

 
Now back to the song...I believe I have 10,000 reasons + to give thanks to God. He has blessed me with a crazy, wonderful family, a loving partner, and the most caring, supportive friends ever! I couldn't ask for more. My soul will sing like never before and I'll worship Your holy name forever! Thank you, Jesus!