Sometimes it's hard to admit that I can still feel this way from time to time but it happens. I have thoughts of not feeling like I'm beautiful, feeling like I'm not living up to expectations, and wondering if God actually sees me as someone worth dying for. I think that, more than likely, a large majority of people feel the same way.
This past week had me pretty stressed out. Actually, I'm still stressed but at least one huge project is out of the way. I had to take a final test in my math class by Friday and at the beginning of the week, I was only half way done with my last module. That basically means I still had a long way to go before I could even attempt the final test. I worked only on math from Tuesday morning through Friday afternoon in order to get it finished. By Thursday night I was seeing formulas in my sleep. I did take a small break to go see Breaking Dawn Part II on Thursday (which was pretty awesome). Friday morning came early and I found myself back at my computer watching the math media files and doing the homework that accompanies them. I started to panic. I didn't think there was any possible way I'd get through all that work and still have time to drive to school to take the test. It's times like these where I find myself thinking very negatively towards myself. I'm just not smart enough. Maybe I should give up. I guess it's not going to work out this semester. I can't remember anything. I'm so stupid.
After beating myself down for a while, I felt God. He was tapping me on the shoulder. As I turned my eyes to Him, He reminded me that He was there. He saw what I was going through. He knew I was frustrated. Please don't think I'm crazy. I didn't actually see God or feel a tap on my shoulder but I knew He was there. You know that voice you hear when you want to give up but that darn voice won't let you? Yep, that's Him. I stopped what I was doing. I turned away from the computer. I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and started praying. I prayed for God to give me the stamina and wisdom to get through my work so I could get to the math lab and finish the module. In my hectic mind, I was still. It takes a lot for me to be still so this was challenging. In my stillness, I was able to focus. When I opened my eyes, I turned back to the computer, and I took the last quiz for the module before the test. I got a 91% on the first try. That almost never happens so I know that God got me through it.
I got dressed and made my way to the school where I would find a very full math lab. I guess everyone else had the same idea. As I sat down to take the test, I said a little prayer again. It wasn't anything big, just a small prayer for encouragement. When I was finished, I clicked the 'submit' button to see my results. I passed with an 84.5%. And don't ya know, I was mad at myself all over again. I'm not sure why I do that but I do. I got a very good over-all grade for the class but I couldn't help thinking that I could have done better.
The drive home seemed longer than normal even though I'm only 2 or 3 miles down the road from the school. As I heard this song while driving, "Someone Worth Dying For" play, I realized that I think this way a lot even though I know that Jesus died for EVERYONE, you and me! He knows that we're all special. He knows that we're all beautiful. He knows US and knew us before we were born. How amazing is that? This song reminded me that even if you or I don't feel that we're worth it, Jesus knows we are and that's what matters.
So if you're feeling down, watch this video. It may change the way you look at yourself.
Have a wonderful week and a blessed Thanksgiving.
"You're worth it, you can't earn it. Yeah, the Cross has proven that you're sacred and blameless. Your life has purpose. You are more than flesh and bone. Can't you see you're something beautiful? Yeah, you gotta believe, you gotta believe. He wants you to see, He wants you to see that you're not just some wandering soul that can't be seen and can't be known. Yeah, you gotta believe, you gotta believe that you are someone worth dying for." - Mikeschair
Great post, Carrie. Your words here are encouraging! Thanks for sharing your life here so openly. <3 you - and Happy Thanksgiving!!!
ReplyDeleteAs always, I really, really enjoyed your entry. So open and relatable, I always find it inspiring! Hang in there, my gut tells me your doing better than you think! ;)
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