I Could Have Been You

"It's not so easy anymore, the way you used to keep score...not so black and white the color of your sin. Take a walk inside my shoes, a path I didn't choose. Spend the night inside of my skin." - Melissa Etheridge
I must say I've had a pretty good week. I'd gotten through a Math quiz and a Spanish test all in the same day.  I also had a decent jump on homework throughout the week. Everything was going smoothly and then...ouch! 
A few blogs back I had written that if we were obedient to God and served Him, we shouldn't get our feelings hurt because He loves us no matter what.  Well, I still believe that to an extent. However, I sorta got my feelings hurt today. 
I'll give a little background here so everyone can get a feel of the situation. This is going to get pretty personal but I feel the need to write and get it all out.
Back in a fourth grade Sunday school class, I made a friend. She turned out to be one of my best friends from fourth grade all the way through high school. Once we started college, me in Northern Arizona, and her at a local community college, things shifted in our relationship. I was struggling in new surroundings, didn't have any real friends around me, and I was having issues with figuring out my sexuality. I'd written letters to two of my closest friends (one from high school and the other being the person in which I'm referring to) telling them of my situation. I'd shared how scared I was that I'd be rejected by family, friends, and God. I hated myself because I thought nobody would ever love me if they knew. I remember the last line in each letter. I said, "I've always been this way. The only thing that's changed is now you know." 
A few days after I'd sent the letters, I got the phone call that made me feel even worse. Yep, it was from her. She spewed Bible verses at me and told me to repent my sins and come back to God. Keep in mind, we were only 18. At the time, I thought I was going to Hell in a hand-basket. I understand now that she was just as scared as I was. She didn't know she was hurting me. She thought she could help me. But back then, I didn't know that. I found myself in the darkest place I'd ever been. Not only did my "best friend" think I was wrong, but I thought, "how would God ever accept me now?" The other person I'd sent a letter to, wrote me back within a week. She told me that after reading the last line of my letter, she understood. She wouldn't reject me. She wouldn't react by throwing a Bible at me. She knew I wasn't making it up. She was supportive. She told me that God still loved me and that she still loved me just the way I was. Though we're not as close now (I'm in VA and she's in CA), we still keep in contact by writing letters. This was and is a true friend to me.
Even with the support of a few select friends back home, I still struggled with the idea that I was gay. How could this be? I knew I'd always felt a little different growing up, but the word "gay" wasn't in my vocabulary. I remember telling a friend, that lived behind me, while we were in grade school how I had a crush on a girl. I think we were about seven or eight years old. She promptly went and told her mom while I was standing there. Her mother turned to her and told her that it was okay to have crushes on girls. Then she looked and me and told ME it was okay. I wish there would have been more people like her in my life while I was growing up.
Back to the friend...we pretty much stopped talking after that phone call in college. I had tried to keep in touch through the years, maybe to show her that I wasn't a bad person or that I really valued her friendship at one time. After a while, I gave up trying. One failed phone call after the next to reach her wasn't worth the rejection anymore. I'd hear about her life through my mom. I found it hurtful that she'd keep in contact with my mother (going to lunch, phone calls) but not with me. 
Fast forward to the end of 2010...I'd just moved to Virginia. Out of nowhere, I get a friend request on Facebook from...you guessed it...her...my long lost pal. To be honest, I hesitated to accept it. I waited a few days, prayed about it, and talked with my partner's mom about it. Part of me didn't want anything to do with her anymore. I didn't want to be hurt again or feel that I was committing the worst sin in the world by still being gay and living with my partner. The days past and I finally accepted the request. She then sent me an email apologizing for all the pain she felt she caused me. She genuinely felt horrible about it. She even apologized to my mom for the way she treated me. I was blown away! 
After a few emails back and forth, we exchanged numbers. Our first phone conversation was over an hour. We talked like we were back in fourth grade but older and somewhat wiser. We talk now on a limited basis only because of busy lives. It's good to have my friend back in my life. 
Here comes more hurt. It amazes me that after getting over all of the pain, guilt, and shame of being gay, after realizing that God loves me more than I could ever imagine, and after finding a church full of people that love me exactly how I am, I could still be hurt by comments from my friend. 
I'm not going to share those comments but I can only hope that she doesn't realize they are hurtful. I understand that she has beliefs that differ from mine which I respect. I only pray that before the next post on Facebook regarding LGBT issues, she will think about who might read it and how it will effect those that do. I also pray that she knows I love her as my sister in Christ and I always will.
"Touch, touch what I feel, and know I believe everything I say. So go, go if you must. Remember one thing as you walk away. I, I could have been you. You could have been me, one small change that shapes your destiny. If you want the proof, cut me and you'll see...I could have been you, you could have been me." - Melissa Etheridge