Stand In The Rain

"She never slows down.  She doesn't know why but she knows that when she's all alone, feels like it's all coming down.  She won't turn around.  The shadows are long and she fears if she cries that first tear, the tears will not stop raining down." -Superchick

It's real.  I'm in college.  I now know why I didn't do so well the first time around.  I was young, away from the comforts of home, going through a very confusing time, and I felt like I didn't have any friends that would understand what I was dealing with. I went through a lot of anxiety and depression that first time away from home.  Some say I just couldn't hack it.  Some say I did my best with the cards I was dealt.  I say I wasn't ready.

Forgive me for venting a little but this past week and the start of this week have been the hardest for me so far.  Everything kind of sunk in, I guess.  I started getting that anxious feeling again.  I believe there was even a hint of depression knocking on the door, telling me I wasn't smart enough, strong enough, or deserving enough to try college again.  I thought the long weekend would help a little to clear my mind.  I'd have plenty of time to get my school work done and hang out with my partner, Sara.  But things didn't go according to plan....

Thursday was the start of my Labor Day weekend and it started off just fine.  I got to catch up with a great friend over a smoothie and excellent conversation (Thanks, Sally!).  Then Sara, her friend from work, and I went to see the infamous Flying Squirrels (Minor League Baseball for those that don't know) in one of their last games of the season. We had a great time, got to enjoy fireworks, and the Squirrels won the game in the bottom of the ninth.  How sweet is that?

Friday was supposed to be my homework day.  I had an appointment in the morning but decided that I would work on everything when I got home.  I can say that I started to work on homework but of course I got distracted and HAD to call Mom to update her on what my new doctor said.  We chatted for a while and all of a sudden I heard the key giggling in the door.  It was Sara, home from work early, to pick me up to go see our friend's newborn baby.  We rushed out the door, into her car, and we were off in a flash. We had gotten to the entrance to the parking lot of the hospital when...wait for it....Sara's car shut off.  Yep, right in the middle of the street.  So I pushed, okay, WE pushed the car towards the curb and out of the way of traffic.  Sara called AAA and about an hour later, the tow truck showed up to haul her baby (the Subaru) away.  On a bright note, we did get to meet a sweet little girl who was only one day old.  The day was saved by that new tiny human!  I, on the other hand, didn't get much work done.

Saturday seemed to bring more distractions like driving Sara to work, laundry, dishes, picking up Sara from work, etc.  I sure wish some of these things would take care of themselves but I know it wouldn't appease my OCD.  One more day down, two more to try again.

Sunday, we missed church simply because neither Sara nor I were feeling well.  We had a long day ahead and wanted to rest up a little before we got it started.  Cleaning the aquarium (it's a 270-gallon for two turtles.  Extreme?  Nah!), grocery shopping, and homework were on the "To Do" list.  The aquarium got clean but not much of anything else.  Humph!

Monday brought about a new day of wondrous possibilities (enter sarcastic voice here). Although, we did manage to get the grocery shopping done and I was able to finish up everything due for Tuesday.  Ah!  Finally, I felt at peace.  No, wait...Spanish!!  I forgot about the Spanish test on Tuesday.  Doh!  Sara thought I was prepared but I'm not always as confident.  Needless to say, it was a toss-and-turn kind of sleep for me.

I guess a productive yet relaxing long weekend wasn't really meant to be this time.  But it made me realize that I need to learn to prioritize and balance my life so I don't end up either dropping out of college...again, or start chasing imaginary butterflies at the funny farm with my equally imaginary over-sized net.

I've come a long way since that first Freshman year of college.  Now look at me!  I'm thirty-four years old (still look like I'm maybe 20ish...on a good day), and I'm starting over again.  I'm giving it another shot.  This time I'll hack it.  This time I will do my best no matter what.  This time I'm ready.

"So stand in the rain.  Stand your ground.  Stand up when it's all crashing down.  You stand through the pain.  You won't drown.  And one day, what's lost can be found." -Superchick