Mama

"Mama remember all my life you showed me love, you sacrificed. Think of those young and early days, how I've changed. And I know you believed. And I know you had dreams. And I'm sorry it took all this time to see that I am where I am because of your truth, and I miss you, yeah I miss you" - Il Divo

Last Thanksgiving I found out I was going to be an auntie and I cried tears of joy. I was finally able to experience what it was like to love completely a little stranger that I now proudly call my nephew. I can't speak of him without smiling. I can't look at a picture without unbelief that he is a part of our family. Even though he was adopted and none of my family got to experience his birth, it's not possible to love him any more than we do had he been our own flesh and blood. We had waited so long for his arrival but God's timing is perfect. He knew when we'd be ready and He knew which little guy would be a perfect fit for us.

Nicolas was born November 16, 2011 (6 weeks premature), my brother and his wife received the news that they'd be parents on November 24, 2011, and they brought Nico home on November 27, 2011. His adoption was final the end of August and we couldn't be happier. Auntie's little man turned 1 year old last week and was able to celebrate in Peru with my sister-in-law's family. The Arizona family gets to celebrate with him this Saturday. I wish I could be there to see how much he's grown and to play with him before I get to decrepit to get on the floor with him. I will have to wait until Christmas when Sara and I fly out to celebrate with the family. I can't wait!

This Thanksgiving I learned that my best friend's mother had a massive stroke and passed away Wednesday afternoon and I cried tears of sorrow. My heart hurts for him and his family. Jeff has gone through so many trials in his life and it seems much more in the past few years. His strength amazes me and I'm pretty sure he gets it from his mom.

Jeff's mom, Louise, was a beautiful soul. She had a huge heart and loved so many people...and animals. She was known for taking in strays and caring for them with all she had. Jeff is very much the same way. He hates to see animals or people in pain. I've known Jeff for about 15 years and he's always been there for me. I consider him a brother, part of my family. So you can understand how much it hurts for me to see him lose his mother.

Jeff, you're mother loved you so much and she was very proud of you. She handed down wonderful qualities to you that made you who you are today. The first time I met her, I could see you in her eyes. She was a blessing to the world and a blessing to all those that knew her. You, my friend, are a blessing as well. I don't know yet what it's like to lose a parent so I won't try to compare feelings. I do know that it hurts and I know that you probably have some conflicting feelings. I want you to know that I'm here to listen or be silent with you. I love you very much, brother.

"Mama I hope this makes you smile. I hope you're happy with my life, at peace with every choice I made, how I've changed along the way. 'Cause I know you believed in all of my dreams and I owe it all to you, Mama." -Il Divo

In honor of Jeff and in memory of Mama Louise

Someone Worth Dying For

"Am I more than flesh and bone? Am I really something beautiful? Yeah, I wanna believe, I wanna believe that I'm not just some wandering soul, that You don't see and You don't know. Yeah, I wanna believe, Jesus help me believe that I am someone worth dying for." - Mikeschair


Sometimes it's hard to admit that I can still feel this way from time to time but it happens. I have thoughts of not feeling like I'm beautiful, feeling like I'm not living up to expectations, and wondering if God actually sees me as someone worth dying for. I think that, more than likely, a large majority of people feel the same way.

This past week had me pretty stressed out. Actually, I'm still stressed but at least one huge project is out of the way. I had to take a final test in my math class by Friday and at the beginning of the week, I was only half way done with my last module. That basically means I still had a long way to go before I could even attempt the final test. I worked only on math from Tuesday morning through Friday afternoon in order to get it finished. By Thursday night I was seeing formulas in my sleep. I did take a small break to go see Breaking Dawn Part II on Thursday (which was pretty awesome). Friday morning came early and I found myself back at my computer watching the math media files and doing the homework that accompanies them. I started to panic. I didn't think there was any possible way I'd get through all that work and still have time to drive to school to take the test. It's times like these where I find myself thinking very negatively towards myself. I'm just not smart enough. Maybe I should give up. I guess it's not going to work out this semester. I can't remember anything. I'm so stupid.

After beating myself down for a while, I felt God. He was tapping me on the shoulder. As I turned my eyes to Him, He reminded me that He was there. He saw what I was going through. He knew I was frustrated. Please don't think I'm crazy. I didn't actually see God or feel a tap on my shoulder but I knew He was there. You know that voice you hear when you want to give up but that darn voice won't let you? Yep, that's Him. I stopped what I was doing. I turned away from the computer. I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and started praying. I prayed for God to give me the stamina and wisdom to get through my work so I could get to the math lab and finish the module. In my hectic mind, I was still. It takes a lot for me to be still so this was challenging. In my stillness, I was able to focus. When I opened my eyes, I turned back to the computer, and I took the last quiz for the module before the test. I got a 91% on the first try. That almost never happens so I know that God got me through it.

I got dressed and made my way to the school where I would find a very full math lab. I guess everyone else had the same idea. As I sat down to take the test, I said a little prayer again. It wasn't anything big, just a small prayer for encouragement. When I was finished, I clicked the 'submit' button to see my results. I passed with an 84.5%. And don't ya know, I was mad at myself all over again. I'm not sure why I do that but I do. I got a very good over-all grade for the class but I couldn't help thinking that I could have done better.

The drive home seemed longer than normal even though I'm only 2 or 3 miles down the road from the school. As I heard this song while driving, "Someone Worth Dying For" play, I realized that I think this way a lot even though I know that Jesus died for EVERYONE, you and me! He knows that we're all special. He knows that we're all beautiful. He knows US and knew us before we were born. How amazing is that? This song reminded me that even if you or I don't feel that we're worth it, Jesus knows we are and that's what matters.

So if you're feeling down, watch this video. It may change the way you look at yourself.

Have a wonderful week and a blessed Thanksgiving.

"You're worth it, you can't earn it. Yeah, the Cross has proven that you're sacred and blameless. Your life has purpose. You are more than flesh and bone. Can't you see you're something beautiful? Yeah, you gotta believe, you gotta believe. He wants you to see, He wants you to see that you're not just some wandering soul that can't be seen and can't be known. Yeah, you gotta believe, you gotta believe that you are someone worth dying for." - Mikeschair

The Hurt & The Healer

"Jesus come and break my fear. Awake my heart and take my tears. Find your glory even here, when the hurt and the healer collide." -MercyMe

Friday was a day I was looking forward to and sort of dreading at the same time. My week had gone pretty well with classes and I had hoped for a nice, quiet weekend to finish up...well...start my last math module so I could take the final test next Friday. So much for that. 

On Friday, I had my first ever visit to a chiropractor. My plan was that he would give me a good adjustment and I'd be on my way. Haha...not how it went. When arriving at the "hole in the wall" office, I made my way up the stairs to what I was hoping was the front door. I'd guessed right, thankfully. I got to the front desk where there were a few pages for me to fill out regarding my health information, past surgeries, what brought me there, blah, blah, blah. This is where writing small comes in handy. I completed my work in a few minutes and the assistant took me back into the little office with a massage table in the middle of the room. Looking around, I noticed all the human anatomy posters on the walls, the model of a spine, and all the very strange "torturous" looking equipment. Okay, maybe I'm exaggerating a little..but they did look rather peculiar. The nerves set in and I became obsessed with studying the posters to keep my mind off things. As I thought about bolting, the doctor came in the room. He was nice little guy, not much taller than I am. I couldn't imagine him doing harm to anyone so I tried to relax and say a prayer.

As our conversation about my migraines started to develop (I had more issues but we'll get to that in a bit), the doctor decided to feel my neck. In the process, he came across a knot at the base of my c-spine. I jumped and winced at the pain that shot through my neck and down my spine. He apologized but for some reason felt the need to keep poking spots that hurt like fury. I guess they're supposed to do that in order to make a fair assessment. His assessment, "hmmm...you're pretty sensitive." Ya think? After all the poking around, he told me what he thought could be causing the migraines and told me he would like an x-ray before doing any adjustments to my neck. Wise choice. I'm liking this guy for not putting me in a wheelchair by messing with my neck. 

We then went over details of my hip pain, lower back pain, and apparently TMJ. By this time, I'm feeling a lot older than I really am. He did a little bit more poking around my shoulder blades (very sensitive), my lower spine (sensitive), and sacrum (tail-bone....VERY SENSITIVE). Trust me, I would have run out of the office if I could have moved fast enough but getting up off the table took way too much energy. Instead, I let out whimpers and felt tears welling up in my eyes. 

Here comes the fun stuff (not really). He had me lie down, face first, on the massage table and placed those little sticky circles right underneath my shoulder blades. These sticky circles are deceiving. At the time, you can't see the wires that are attached to them or the machine that is attached to those wires. He also placed acupuncture needles in my neck and lower legs. This made me a little nervous since I figured the machine I was hooked up to had electricity surging through it. I had no intention of being a human conductor as the needles shot out blue waves and I rose up off the table like in the movie Powder. Well, this wasn't the case, thank goodness. I did happen to press down into the table, when he flipped on the TENS unit, so hard I thought I might come crashing down to the floor. I actually felt like I had a few hefty (like 200 lbs hefty) hamsters that had been injected with speed running around on my back. I literally couldn't breath. I must have endured about 15 minutes of this when the machine finally turned off. I thought, "Yes, it's over. I can go now."

Wrong! Here comes the doctor with another torture device...the gigantic massager! I didn't even see it coming since I was still face down on the table. That thing was probably as big as Charles Barkley's head. I'm not exaggerating on this one. He rubbed that thing over my lower back and tail-bone. Oye vey!  It hurts to even think about it again. Once he stopped after what seemed like an eternity, he asked me to roll over on my back. Ha! Yeah, not even on a great day can I do that without sounding like a box of Rice Crispy's. Good thing he took pity on me and showed me how to unlock my back in order to turn over. Along with that exercise, he showed me a few more to do throughout my day. 

With that, we were done...almost. He told me he wanted to see me again on Tuesday so we could get an x-ray. It appears as though I should have gone to the other office first but I didn't know that an x-ray was in my future. I don't have fear of x-rays. I've been through my fair share throughout the years along with MRIs, CTs, and Ultrasounds for other various conditions but for some reason, this one scares me. I'm afraid of what they might find. Will I finally get a diagnosis as to why my migraines have progressed and changed over the years? Will it be something as simple as needing an adjustment or will it be something serious that could require surgery? Whatever the case is, it will be good to know the answer I've been searching for since I was 15. So I will be brave...um...actually, God will be brave for me. He will hold my hand and get me through it as He always has. My hurt and my Healer will collide and I will be comforted by Him. 

"Breathe...sometimes I feel it's all that I can do. Pain so deep that I can hardly move. Just keep my eyes completely fixed on You. Lord take hold and pull me through. So here I am, what's left of me, where glory meets my suffering. I'm alive! Even though a part of me has died. You take my heart and breathe it back to life. I've fallen into Your arms open wide, when the hurt and the Healer collide." - MercyMe

I Can Only Imagine

"I can only imagine what it will be like, when I walk by Your side. I can only imagine what my eyes will see, when Your face is before me. I can only imagine. I can only imagine." -Mercy Me

I was listening to iHeart radio this afternoon and this song played. I'd prayed that God would give me song that would sum up this past week. Instead, I got a song that made me think of an old friend. So it looks like I'm going to write about that experience instead of my week.

The first time I heard this song was at a funeral. In March 2004, my co-worker passed away. We hadn't worked together very long but she had a big impact on my life. No matter how much was going on in her life, she always had time to listen. Christ's love shinned through her. Even after her diagnosis, Stage 3 Cervical Cancer, and treatment, she wanted to come back to work because she missed us...no matter how crazy we were. I regret that I didn't visit with her until she'd had a stroke and was placed in hospice. We got word that she had taken a bad turn and if we wanted to see her, we needed to do it soon. Another co-worker of mine went with me on a Saturday morning to see how she was doing. I'd never been to a hospice before and I was pretty nervous. When we arrived, we spoke with her family for a few minutes and they took us into the room. When my friend looked up, she smiled and said, in her deep Southern accent, "Hey, Miss Carrie." I almost lost it right there. It was so hard to see this woman that was so full of life now struggling to speak. I thank God that He lead me there to see my friend that day. It would be the last time I'd get to visit with her. A week later, on Sunday morning, I received the call that she'd passed away.

Many people from work attended a service held for our co-worker on Tuesday of that same week. Her pastor was a powerful speaker. He told us of her strong faith and I was again thankful to God that I would see her again in Heaven. They played "I Can Only Imagine" because it was her favorite song. Those words hit me incredibly hard as I sat in the pew and sobbed. Every time I hear it, I think of her and her smile. I think of how much she loved the Lord. I remember her kindness. I sure miss that lady but I know we'll meet again. I can only imagine that when we see each other, she'll say, "Hey, Miss Carrie."

I guess I won't know until I get there, what I'll do in the presence of Jesus. I'd like to think that my friend and others that have gone before me, will be waiting there to give me serious hugs.

"Surrounded by Your glory, what will my heart feel? Will I dance for You Jesus, or in awe of You be still? Will I stand in You presence, or to my knees will I fall? Will I sing Hallelujah? Will I be able to speak at all? I can only imagine." -Mercy Me

*Name withheld for privacy