Broken

"I'm hangin' on another day just to see what You throw my way. And I'm hanging on to the words You say. You said that I will be okay. The broken lights on the freeway, left me here alone. I may have lost my way now, haven't forgotten my way home." - Lifehouse

I've learned in the past few weeks that we are all broken. There are those that acknowledge they are broken and those that don't acknowledge they are broken...but we are all broken. I'm definitely broken in many ways. After some thought provoking discussions this past week, I've come to the conclusion that the more broken one is, the more pieces one has to share with those around them. Say for instance there's someone you think has it all together and maybe you admire or envy them, but how much can you really learn from that person? Then there's that other person that seems alright on the outside most of the time but then they share with you their inside...and it's messy. I don't know about anyone else but I think we come to respect the person sharing their messiness with us more than the one that seems to be "whole". I think we can learn from them, not only to be open about the messy stuff, but to learn from their past and make a better future.

I shared some of my brokenness in my small group last Monday. I admit that I was a little vague but those that know me well knew exactly what I was talking about. Part of my brokenness was caused by someone else. And even though it was felt on my end as well as theirs', that part of me and them, is now healing. I'd put a figurative band-aid over this wound for many years. I suppose they had, too. After years, conversations, and emails, that band-aid had been ripped off and now has some figurative Neosporen on it. As I shared, I realized how blessed my life really was and is. I made it through a very hard time in my life. The only one that stayed true and never left my side was God. During this trial, I felt alone, ashamed, shunned. Even though I thought my brokenness would cast me away from God, it actually drew me closer to Him. It's because of God's faithfulness that I didn't take my own life when I was 18 years old. It's because of God's grace that he forgives me for being broken. It's because of God's sacrifice that I will be made whole again when I get to Heaven. At that time, all my tears will be wiped away, I will have no more fears, and I will have no more pain. Can I get an AMEN?

With all of this said, my acknowledgement of my brokenness out there, I am blessed. It's sometimes difficult to thank God when I'm going through something painful but I know that I'm going through that painful time because someone else might benefit from it down the road. Maybe that person is reading this right now. Maybe that person is you. To all that are reading this, remember to hold on to God no matter how broken you feel. Even though you may be barely hanging on, you're blessed because you're still hanging on.

"I'm falling apart, I'm barley breathing. With a broken heart that's still beating. In the pain, there is healing. I'n Your name I find meaning. So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm barely holdin' on to you." - Lifehouse

Every Time I Breathe

"I am sure all of heaven's heard me cry as I tell You all the reasons why this life is just too hard. But day by day, without fail, I'm finding everything I need and everything that You are to me. " -Bid Daddy Weave

Last week was so busy, I didn't get a chance to sit down and reflect until today. It's hard to know where to start. I've learned and experienced a lot over the past week. At times, I was overwhelmed with my school work and looking after two poodles (escape artists). I felt as though I'd never make it through the week but here I am, by the grace of God, able to reflect on all that's happened.

My partner went to Florida on vacation with her parents Saturday morning of last week. I volunteered to watch her parent's dogs while they were away. I'm actually surprised I didn't any complaints from our neighbors. It's not that they are bad dogs, they're just a little bit spoiled. Add that to the separation anxiety of being dropped off at an apartment and left by their humans, eh, it was a hard week. We managed to get by with only three escapes (because they saw another dog) and few sessions of me throwing a tantrum. It's amazing to me that you can scream, yell, and act like a child but those darn dogs keep coming back asking (with their eyes) to cuddle them. Talk about loyalty!

I realized a few days before I was to get the dogs that my best friend from Phoenix would be in Northern Virginia on business and he asked if I'd come up to explore D.C. with him. Thankfully, Sara was able to find a dog sitter on short notice to stay with them so I could leave on Friday afternoon. I was a little reluctant to leave but all worked out in the end.

I left for Dulles airport a little after I should have on Friday but even with traffic, I made it just in time to pick up my buddy. Surprisingly enough, it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Dulles is pretty organized when it comes to picking people up on the curb. As we struggled with my GPS to give us directions to the hotel, my friend Jeff looked up and said, "Look! A rainbow!" It was beautiful. We could see every color. Then I hear, "Look! A double rainbow!" Jeff forgot about the GPS and grab his cell phone to get a picture. In the rush, he accidentally took video but that works, too. Hehe.. After a minute or so, we were looking at the end of the rainbow and driving through the base of it. Seriously, the coolest thing ever! This was a great sign to start our weekend.

During our ride to the hotel, Jeff decided to name my GPS. Since I have an English male voice on it, he named him Ian. Now when I mention Ian, you'll know who I'm speaking of. So, Ian got us to hotel and we got all situated in a nice little suite complete with a small kitchen, one bedroom, and pull-out sofa bed. We decided to grab some dinner and just relax so we'd be ready to go in the morning. We located a restaurant within walking distance of our hotel, but Ian didn't bother mentioning this until we pulled out of the parking garage and onto the main street. It was literally around the corner. My trust in Ian was vanishing. When we got to Grevey's (owned by Kevin Grevey of the 1978-79 NBA Champs, Washington Bullets), we sat down to a great meal and great beer. We even met Kevin Grevey!

Saturday morning, after a complimentary breakfast at the hotel, we set out (on foot this time) to find the closest train station. We decided to stop in a gas station to ask for directions and the clerk told us it was about a mile ahead. Jeff figured it wasn't all THAT far so we could walk it. Well, it really wasn't that bad but I don't think he realized how much more we'd walk in D.C. We made it to the train station in one piece but slightly out of breath. Jeff was taking pictures like crazy since he'd never been in a train station before. I was the same way my first time to D.C. so it was pretty cool to experience this event with him. The tracks were being worked on and we had to get off the train at the next station to get on a shuttle that would take us to the next station that would take us to the city. Ugh! That was exhausting just typing all that. Anyway, we got to our destination and stepped out of the tunnel to see the amazing sight of The Mall. Oh, and a homeless guy that "gave" us a map for a donation of $5. I must say the map did come in handy.

Our first stop was the National Monument (The Pencil). Unfortunately, it's still closed for repairs from the earthquake last year. At least the bathrooms were open. Jeff and I decided to walk at a slower pace than most people in the city so we didn't kill ourselves trying to look at everything. Haha.. The slower pace helped but we still walked A LOT! Along our journey, we stopped at the Korean War Memorial, the Lincoln Memorial, and the Vietnam Wall. These were all awesome. We took plenty of pictures...of the trees. Don't worry, we got the monuments as well. You have to realize that we're both from Phoenix so seeing the colors of Fall blows our minds. The majority of our photos were of leaves and other Fall like scenery...and of course a squirrel (long story).

Once we finally got around the block (longest block ever) to see the White House, we decided to grab some lunch. Finding ourselves at The Laughing Man, a sports bar, we got some over-priced entrees and a chance to sit. The problem with sitting after walking for about five hours is trying to get up. I couldn't believe how sore my hips were already. Instead of a walk, it was more like a shuffle after that.

At this point, we probably should have found a train to take us back to the hotel, BUT we decided to WALK to China-Town. It was worth the walk. I've never seen anything like it. I even saw roasted ducks hanging in a restaurant window (photo op!). We stopped in a little shop so Jeff could look for souvenirs and the lady behind the counter asked, "He your boyfrien'?" Really, she asked me twice and him once. I thought it was hilarious. More pictures of funny signs in China-Town and we finally stumbled upon a train station.

Again, we probably should have gone to the hotel BUT we wanted to check out DuPont Circle. After we got to our destination, we found ourselves in the land of confusion. This is a OCD person's worst nightmare! We had no idea where to go...so we found a sports bar...with a great beer selection. If all else's fails...find beer! The only drawback to this was sitting down and then trying to get back up. My shuffle was turning into a crawl. BUT...we kept on going. We walked through some fabulous neighborhoods and dreamed of being able to own a place like a quaint little brown-stone one day. Meanwhile, Jeff's GPS (not named yet but I have a few choice suggestions) on his phone, got us totally lost. We ended up very far away from where we started. It was time to sit down before our feet burned off of our ankles. Guess what? Yep, we found an Irish bar this time. Life got much better. We sat outside to enjoy the cool weather and really rest our bodies. And, of course, have a few beers. By the end of the third round, we thought it would be wise to get a cab to take us to our train station. Thankfully, the cab driver knew exactly where he was going. After a long train ride to our station, we thought it wise to get another cab to drive us instead of rolling down the hill to the hotel.

Sunday, after a short slumber, we got our things together, checked out of the hotel, and made our way to breakfast. We needed to fuel up before attempting Arlington National Cemetery. Nope, I'm not kidding. I guess we figured there wouldn't be THAT much walking involved. Wrong again! I won't bore all of you with the "Ian GPS" mishaps but I will say I wanted to run over that stupid piece of...stuff a few times. He apparently doesn't do well with circular roads. Grrr!! So a 20 minute drive turned into a 45 minute drive but we got there.

I don't have a lot of words to describe Arlington. The only one that comes to mind is "whoa". I was completely overcome. I was humbled. I was shocked. I was incredibly saddened by the sight of all those gravestones. The Pentagon Memorial touched me most. I think it was because I remember everything about that day and I can't get the images out of my head. As we walked, talked, and took pictures, Jeff and I reflected on all the wars that killed many of those buried at Arlington. It was definitely a somber mood. We arrived at the Tomb of the Unknowns and witnessed the changing of the guard ceremony. Again, I was in awe. What an amazing experience to witness.

Our time was over but I knew it would never be forgotten, as I dropped Jeff off at his new hotel for the start of his work week. We both treasured our time together of sharing this journey through America's history. I hope we'll get to do it again soon (with better walking shoes and an updated GPS).

As I close this blog, you may be wondering why I chose the song, "Every Time I Breathe". It really says what I was feeling this past week. I had a rough time dealing with the responsibilities of caring for the dogs and finding time for myself to do homework. I didn't think I could take much more by the week's end. But at the end of every day, I knew God was there and I knew He'd get me through. I saw God this weekend, in the Veterans that we met in Washington, D.C., in the beautiful Fall leaves, and in my best friend.

"Every time I breathe You seem a little bit closer. I never want to leave, I want to stay in Your warm embrace, oh, basking in the glory shining from Your face. And every time I get another glimpse of Your heart I realize it's true, that You are so marvelous God, and I am so in love with You." -Big Daddy Weave

We Shall Be Free

"When we're free to love anyone we choose, when this world's big enough for all different views, when we all can worship from our own kind of pew, then we shall be free." - Garth Brooks

This week started out like any other...assignments due, dinners to be made, exams to be taken. By the end of my week, Thursday, I found myself going over insurance forms with Sara. Every year around this time we get our new enrollment packages that tell us what changes will be made and what will stay the same in the upcoming year for our health insurance. Wah, wah, wah....

I've never really looked at the enrollment package before. I guess I figured Sara knows best and she'd take care of it. This year was different. Something peaked my curiosity. I wanted to take part in it and see what it was we were actually paying for. I must say it got me wound up. I was on my soapbox and I didn't want to come down. Now that I'm talking about it again, I'll hop back up on my soapbox and hope that you stay tuned to hear what I have to say about insurance and "domestic partners".

I am grateful that Sara's company offers domestic partner benefits. By the way, a domestic partnership can be man and woman, man and man, or woman and woman. I just wanted to clarify this point. However, a man and woman have the right to go from their domestic partnership into a legal marriage. Sara and I don't have that right. Being the employee, Sara gets to make use of the FSA (Flexible Spending Account). Which means the money she puts into this account, from her paychecks, get matched up to a certain amount by the employer. Any doctor appointments or prescriptions for Sara will be reimbursed to her through this account depending on how much money is in the FSA. BUT, I'm not covered under this part of the plan because I'm not her dependent or her legally recognized spouse. Therefore, any appointments or prescriptions for me do not get reimbursed.

Sara had told me of a guy at her work that had a longtime girlfriend and they had a child together. They hadn't set plans on getting married but when presented with the insurance dilemma, they tied the knot. It would be cheaper to have his girlfriend be listed as his wife instead of his domestic partner. I thought to myself, "how nice that they are able to get married and pay less for health insurance." I don't mean this as sarcastically as it may sound but it did hit me funny. I guess I'd never given much thought to the term "domestic partner". I sure thought about it that night...for the rest of the night.

I haven't made peace yet about getting married to someone of the same sex. That statement is about me only. It's between me and God. I feel that anyone of the human race should be able to legally marry the person they love regardless of race, gender, religion, origin, etc. That is a decision to be made by those people and God. If they are good with it, the government shouldn't have a right to deny them. Who is the government to tell me that because I love someone that is the same sex as me, I can't legally marry them? It isn't right. I literally could go out and get married to my best friend (happens to be a guy), or some guy I just met...as long as it's a man. The government isn't making marriage about love, their making it about gender. And just because the "powers that be" have their beliefs, it doesn't mean they can have everyone in America agree and conform to those beliefs.

So it's not out of jealousy that I'm speaking about this issue. It's about fairness. It's about equality. People shouldn't have to loose out on benefits, pay more money, or not be given certain medical rights because they can't legally marry the person they love. *stepping off soapbox*

"When there's only one race and that's mankind, we shall be free. We shall be free. Stand straight, walk proud, have a little faith, hold out. We shall be free" - Garth Brooks

I Could Have Been You

"It's not so easy anymore, the way you used to keep score...not so black and white the color of your sin. Take a walk inside my shoes, a path I didn't choose. Spend the night inside of my skin." - Melissa Etheridge
I must say I've had a pretty good week. I'd gotten through a Math quiz and a Spanish test all in the same day.  I also had a decent jump on homework throughout the week. Everything was going smoothly and then...ouch! 
A few blogs back I had written that if we were obedient to God and served Him, we shouldn't get our feelings hurt because He loves us no matter what.  Well, I still believe that to an extent. However, I sorta got my feelings hurt today. 
I'll give a little background here so everyone can get a feel of the situation. This is going to get pretty personal but I feel the need to write and get it all out.
Back in a fourth grade Sunday school class, I made a friend. She turned out to be one of my best friends from fourth grade all the way through high school. Once we started college, me in Northern Arizona, and her at a local community college, things shifted in our relationship. I was struggling in new surroundings, didn't have any real friends around me, and I was having issues with figuring out my sexuality. I'd written letters to two of my closest friends (one from high school and the other being the person in which I'm referring to) telling them of my situation. I'd shared how scared I was that I'd be rejected by family, friends, and God. I hated myself because I thought nobody would ever love me if they knew. I remember the last line in each letter. I said, "I've always been this way. The only thing that's changed is now you know." 
A few days after I'd sent the letters, I got the phone call that made me feel even worse. Yep, it was from her. She spewed Bible verses at me and told me to repent my sins and come back to God. Keep in mind, we were only 18. At the time, I thought I was going to Hell in a hand-basket. I understand now that she was just as scared as I was. She didn't know she was hurting me. She thought she could help me. But back then, I didn't know that. I found myself in the darkest place I'd ever been. Not only did my "best friend" think I was wrong, but I thought, "how would God ever accept me now?" The other person I'd sent a letter to, wrote me back within a week. She told me that after reading the last line of my letter, she understood. She wouldn't reject me. She wouldn't react by throwing a Bible at me. She knew I wasn't making it up. She was supportive. She told me that God still loved me and that she still loved me just the way I was. Though we're not as close now (I'm in VA and she's in CA), we still keep in contact by writing letters. This was and is a true friend to me.
Even with the support of a few select friends back home, I still struggled with the idea that I was gay. How could this be? I knew I'd always felt a little different growing up, but the word "gay" wasn't in my vocabulary. I remember telling a friend, that lived behind me, while we were in grade school how I had a crush on a girl. I think we were about seven or eight years old. She promptly went and told her mom while I was standing there. Her mother turned to her and told her that it was okay to have crushes on girls. Then she looked and me and told ME it was okay. I wish there would have been more people like her in my life while I was growing up.
Back to the friend...we pretty much stopped talking after that phone call in college. I had tried to keep in touch through the years, maybe to show her that I wasn't a bad person or that I really valued her friendship at one time. After a while, I gave up trying. One failed phone call after the next to reach her wasn't worth the rejection anymore. I'd hear about her life through my mom. I found it hurtful that she'd keep in contact with my mother (going to lunch, phone calls) but not with me. 
Fast forward to the end of 2010...I'd just moved to Virginia. Out of nowhere, I get a friend request on Facebook from...you guessed it...her...my long lost pal. To be honest, I hesitated to accept it. I waited a few days, prayed about it, and talked with my partner's mom about it. Part of me didn't want anything to do with her anymore. I didn't want to be hurt again or feel that I was committing the worst sin in the world by still being gay and living with my partner. The days past and I finally accepted the request. She then sent me an email apologizing for all the pain she felt she caused me. She genuinely felt horrible about it. She even apologized to my mom for the way she treated me. I was blown away! 
After a few emails back and forth, we exchanged numbers. Our first phone conversation was over an hour. We talked like we were back in fourth grade but older and somewhat wiser. We talk now on a limited basis only because of busy lives. It's good to have my friend back in my life. 
Here comes more hurt. It amazes me that after getting over all of the pain, guilt, and shame of being gay, after realizing that God loves me more than I could ever imagine, and after finding a church full of people that love me exactly how I am, I could still be hurt by comments from my friend. 
I'm not going to share those comments but I can only hope that she doesn't realize they are hurtful. I understand that she has beliefs that differ from mine which I respect. I only pray that before the next post on Facebook regarding LGBT issues, she will think about who might read it and how it will effect those that do. I also pray that she knows I love her as my sister in Christ and I always will.
"Touch, touch what I feel, and know I believe everything I say. So go, go if you must. Remember one thing as you walk away. I, I could have been you. You could have been me, one small change that shapes your destiny. If you want the proof, cut me and you'll see...I could have been you, you could have been me." - Melissa Etheridge