Live Like That

"Sometimes I think, 'What will people say of me, when I'm only just a memory, when I'm home where my soul belongs?' Was I love when no one else would show up? Was I Jesus to the least of those? Was my worship more than just a song?" - Sidewalk Prophets

These past few weeks have been a challenge for me. It started with the passing of my uncle. When I received the news, I immediately tried to figure out how I could get to Ohio to be with my family. After much counsel from friends and family, I decided it was best for me to stay put. I had a lot of school work to complete, tests to study for, and a move coming up the next weekend. The day after, Friday, I had fought with myself about whether or not to brave the snow, skip class on Monday and drive up. However, something was holding me back from going. Once I'd finally been given peace about the issue, I was able to focus on getting my school work done. However, Monday morning, I'd arrived at class only to find that it had been canceled. I thought, "Unbelievable! I could have gone to Ohio without missing class and the test had been put off until after Spring Break!" I was pretty upset. Driving home from school, I listened to a couple songs from my WOW 2013 CD. Those songs always hit me at the right time...and they hit me hard. I realized that God's plan wasn't for me to go to Ohio. I still don't know the reason and I may never know. I have a feeling that I may have gotten stuck or even had an accident if I'd have gone since I'm not a pro at driving in the snow. God was watching over me and though it took a bit for me to calm down, I did and don't have any regrets.

That week was going to end with moving to a new apartment. I had been so wrapped up in school that by the end of the week I hadn't packed a thing. Sara had done as much as she could but we were planning on getting most of the packing done Thursday night and Friday. Sara had Friday off work and this seemed like a great plan. Once again, God had other plans in mind. Wednesday it snowed almost all day. Therefore, classes were canceled and Sara got to stay home from work. You'd have thought that it would have been a great day to pack but we found ourselves running out of packing tape and no safe way to get to the store to purchase more. Sara packed as much as she could and I studied. Towards the end of the evening, Sara's brother had decided to come over Thursday so that we could take him to the bus station for him to travel to South Carolina. With him, he would bring packing tape. Things were looking up.

Thursday brought with it another canceled class so I thought I'd sleep in. Sara went out early to scrape the ice off her car and wait for her brother to arrive. Apparently, ice forms on the sidewalks after it snows (who'd a thunk it?) and Sara slipped in front of her car while trying to clean it off. She called me from the parking lot with a frantic voice. I jumped out of bed... literally...threw on my boots and jacket and ran out the door. Sara was standing next to her car, being held up by the open door. She yelled out a warning for me to watch out for the ice. Adrenaline was already pumping so I ignored her instructions. And...down I went. I sprang back up as if nothing happened and made my way to Sara. We got back into the apartment and I made myself a little more presentable to take her to the doctor. By this time, her parents and brother showed up. We decided her brother could take her car to work and I would drive Sara to the doctor since there was no way she would be able to drive. Everything after that went pretty smoothly. Patient First got us in quickly, took an x-ray of her back, and cleaned up her scrapped wrist. I got her back home and then went to the pharmacy to get her medication. She insisted on packing but thankfully, the pills took effect and she spent the rest of the day in bed. Meanwhile, I still had Spanish to get through. As I was sitting in class, I felt all the pain I should have felt after my fall. It's a good thing the doctor gives out more pills than one would actually need. I got home, made dinner, and took her brother to the bus station. After arriving home once again, I snagged some of those wonder drugs and felt fast asleep.

The next morning proved difficult to get out of bed but it was time for the real packing to begin. We accomplished quite a bit and Sara was feeling better. We packed pretty much all day but there was still a lot to do. Saturday morning we picked up the U-Haul. Thankfully, Sara's parents were at the apartment when we got back with the truck and her aunt and cousins weren't far behind. They all worked hard to get everything in the truck and off to the new apartment. We made it in two trips and were finally ready to call it a day. Our first night in our new place was spent by passing out around 8:30 pm. Unfortunately, we missed church Sunday morning but we still had to clean our old apartment and get the keys back to management. The day went by quickly but we managed to get the apartment cleaned...minus the stain in the carpet from the gigantic aquarium (another story for another day).

Most of my Spring Break was spent trying to organize the new place even though I had plans of catching up on school work. It wasn't easy for me being the OCD person that I am. The whole week I felt as if I was living in chaos. It was hard for me to even breathe. This type of situation bring with it depression, anxiety, and a feeling of worthlessness for me. It's something I'm not proud of but not sure how to control.

All of this brought me to a conclusion. I remembered an email I'd received from a good friend after she'd read my prior blog about my uncle. She said, "You and I can only hope that someone will write kind words about us when we go see God, right? And so we have to love, be kind, laugh and share life with those we love." These words hit me like a ton of bricks this week. I know that I haven't been showing God's love for the last few weeks. I've been angry and taking it out on those closest to me. I'm ashamed of the ways I've been acting and words I've said. I know that I can't take any of it back but I can change the way I act in the future with God's grace and understanding. He's forgiven me and I need to accept His forgiveness. It's time for me to start living with His light in me so that others can see how amazing He is and how He can change a heart to love as He loves.

"Am I proof that You are who You say You are? That grace can really change a heart? Do I live like your love is true? People pass and even if they don't know my name, is there evidence that I've been changed? When they see me, do they see You? I want to live like that and give it all I have so that everything I say and do points to You." - Sidewalk Prophets